Five Things Kent Rathbun Should Change His Name to While He Sues His Business Partner

The open-mouth smile is your thing, Rathbun. Go with it.
The open-mouth smile is your thing, Rathbun. Go with it.
File photos

A few days ago, reports surfaced that Kent Rathbun was walking away from his namesake restaurant group. All the reports claimed he would remain a part of the company and was really just stepping down from day-to-day management of the restaurants.

Now, D Magazine is reporting that things are a little more sticky. Rathbun is suing his majority partner over the right to use his name in future dealings.

Sucks to have to be the guy suing for use of your own name, but this isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened. One time, this guy named Prince disagreed with his record label, and he found the loophole he needed to continue working without being under the thumb of his record company: You gotta go rogue. That's right, it's time for Rathbun to become a symbol.

Dearest Kent Rathbun, here is our list of five name-change options we think you should consider so that you can properly flip the double bird at your business partner:

Lobster Shooter
Abacus has served up zillions of lobster shooters to Dallasites because of you. Nothing says "Dallas" like pricey lobster in a tiny, tiny booze vessel. We love you, Lobster Shooter.

Five Things Kent Rathbun Should Change His Name to While He Sues His Business Partner (3)
Alice Laussade

James Beard Award-Winner Kent
Maybe you didn't win a James Beard award yet, but maybe change your name to JBAW Kent and people will think you did. This one's a no-brainer. If you kill this idea, at least use "JBAW" as your new middle name, so you can literally be like, "Whatever. JBAW is my middle name, Dong Sandwich." (The new contract will also require your previous business partner to allow you to call him Dong Sandwich all the time. It's gonna be great.)  

Five Things Kent Rathbun Should Change His Name to While He Sues His Business Partner

Yellow Porsche
Just be Yellow Porsche. You drive one, people know you've had it forever — you and a yellow Porsche go together like you and an open-mouth smile.

Kent Rathburn
Just change your name to "Kent Rathburn" so that it has the extra "r" in it that people always put in there when they're dropping your name anyway. You know it's true. And adding an "r" to a bunch of signage and is gonna be super cheap.

Water Bear
Tardigrades, also known as water bears, are the toughest animals on the planet. Boil them, freeze them, expose them to radiation — they don't give a shit. They will live through it. They can live in extreme conditions anywhere, even space. A water bear takes one look at a honey badger and says, "What a wuss," while it smokes a cigarette lit from the currently-on-fire Adirondack chair it's chilling in. Whatever Dong Sandwich is throwing at you, you can get through this, Water Bear.

And when you're tired of being a symbol or a fake name, you can just make people call you The Artist Formerly Known As Kent Rathbun. It works. Forever.


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