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Gawker's Fruit Rankings Are Terrible So I Made My Own and They're Much Better

If I were rich I would hire a part-time mango preparer, with the potential of going full-time.
If I were rich I would hire a part-time mango preparer, with the potential of going full-time.

Gawker is actually ranking fruits. How pointless is that?

Let's break down their rankings and rank the fruits of the world ourselves.

27. Fig 26. Date 25. Honeydew 24. Papaya 23. Cantaloupe 22. Blackberry 21. Pear

20. Raspberry 19. Apricot 18. Pineapple 17. Guava 16. Lemon 15. Plum 14. Strawberry 13. Apple 12. Grape 11. Grapefruit 10. Kiwi 9. Orange 8. Pomegranate 7. Lime 6. Watermelon 5. Banana 4. Cherry 3. Peach 2. Mango 1. Blueberry

Terrible, right? The strawberry, blackberry, raspberry and plum are obviously too low, while the top 10 is marred by the presence of the lime, the orange and the banana, all serviceable but by no means indispensable fruits.

Here are the correct rankings. Like Gawker, we claim the following to be infallible. Unlike Gawker's, ours actually are.

20. Watermelon
19. Pomegranate
18. Banana*
17. Grape
16. Cantaloupe
15. Papaya
14. Orange
13. Apple
12. Cherry
11. Pear
10. Apricot
9. Blueberry
8. Kiwi
7. Pineapple
6. Mango**
5. Blackberry
4. Plum
3. Raspberry
2. Strawberry
1. Peach

Also receiving votes: Figs, grapefruit, guava, lemon, dates***, honeydew

*I heard once that bananas constipate you, so I haven't had one since 2006. But I hear good things. **Mango would be No. 1 if it wasn't so much damn work. ***Dates wrapped in bacon are definitely in the top 10****. ****I guess that's true of pretty much everything.


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