Grub Burger Bar's PB&J: Finally, There's a Reason to Have Kids

The mother of all peanut butter and jelly sandwiches -- or MOAPBJS for short.
The mother of all peanut butter and jelly sandwiches -- or MOAPBJS for short.
Alice Laussade

Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

Scarf-wearing dudes at the bar: 4 Times I said, "Damn!" whilst eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 3

From the outside, Grub Burger Bar on Greenville Avenue looks like a fancy private barclub thing for the office building it's connected to. I imagine secret passwords for entry like, "Someone stole my stapler," or "I forgot to save it to the server and I lost everything." In reality, it's Hopdoddy without the stupid-ass line.

Even though the word "bar" is in the name, the place is super kid-friendly. They have regular highchairs, plus clip-on high chairs for the highboy tables so you don't have to stack three highchairs on top of each other.

Would the owner of this kid please stop by our offices and collect him? Alice is done with him, and he's taking up valuable space in the supply closet.
Would the owner of this kid please stop by our offices and collect him? Alice is done with him, and he's taking up valuable space in the supply closet.
Alice Laussade

Speaking of kids, for the cheapest of cheap options, go for the $5 kid's meal. Send a kid in (hire one, borrow one, build one from scratch, dress up a short friend and carry him in on your hip while he hits you in the face with a sippy cup -- nobody cares how you do it, just get the shit done), and have the kid order a kid's meal for you. It's $5 for a variety of kid food options (burger, grilled cheese, chicken tenders or PB&J), but let me go ahead and stop you from making the wrong choice and tell you that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the way to go. This PB&J sandwich's satisfaction level is Perfect Motorboat.

I know it's just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I'm serious. The peanut butter on this thing is delicious (probably grown in a peanut butter garden out back). The jelly is fucking good (probably picked from the jelly trees on Greenville). And they do one thing that will blow your mouth-mind: The bread is the same bun they use for the regular hamburgers (the buns are apparently baked every hour), only they slice the bun in half, butter the inside, toast it, then (and here's where it gets mouth-mind-blowy) they peanut-butter-and-jelly it inside out. The toasted sides of the bun are on the outside of the sandwich, giving it a sandwichy appearance. They're really smart for keeping bread costs low by repurposing these things.

With that $5 kid meal, you also get your choice of side item (sliced apples or fries -- get fries, don't be an idiot) and a small beverage (beer's not an option, I asked).

Consolation prize for the barren.
Consolation prize for the barren.
Alice Laussade

Have a little extra money and not in the mood to mix, bake and shoot a child from your woomba just for a cheap dinner? Fine. Order the You're My Boy Blue burger, which comes with blue cheese, balsamic caramelized onions, tomatoes, arugula and an Old School reference for $8. Ask for it medium. The satisfaction level of this burger is A Nice Dry Hump on a Cold Day. It's warm, comforting and more than just a little enjoyable.

Alternatively, as always, you could just roll up to the bar and chug a beer or three for dinner. After all, this is 2015 and you're watching your girlish figure for at least another week. I swear, beer cleanses are the next big thing.

Find Grub Burger Bar at 4925 Greenville Ave., #150 , 972-370-3636.


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