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Hellmann's or Miracle Whip?: A Very Serious Debate

So many questions.
So many questions.

Regular City of Ate commenter CitizenKane recently brought up the Hellman's versus Miracle Whip debate in the comments section of one of our Thanksgiving posts.

I know people have serious opinions on either side of this issue. I'm equal opportunity weird-condiment user. (Although I do believe there are proper times to use each: For instance, Hellmann's should never be put on a salad, because that would somehow make the condiment more disgusting than it already is. But you can totally put Miracle Whip on a salad, because it says "salad dressing" on the label. Hellmann's can be used on baby butts for rashes, but not Miracle Whip because it's not "real" mayo, etc.) But, I know some people are staunch Hellman's or staunch Miracle Whip supporters.

So, which is better? Real mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?

I Googled research on the topic, and it turns out, nobody has researched this shit at all. I decided to take matters into my own hands and do some serious research on the topic: I polled the Observer staff via email.

Important quotes from my research can be found below, as well as a chart summarizing my findings. I invite you to add your opinions on this very serious debate. As we cannonball into the holiday season, it is imperative that we have answers to: "Why, Miracle Whip? Why?" And "Hellmann's. It's not whale splooge. Really? Yes, really. But, seriously?"

Freaking Research, Man:

1) If you ever manage to locate both tuna *and* Hellman's, then both must be combined.

2) Hellman's improves every sandwich, apart from PB&J.

3) Hellman's is the optimum dip for fries. This is Europe's foremost contribution to the world.

4) What the fuck is Miracle Whip?

--Gavin Cleaver

"Miracle Whip STILL exists? Isn't it just Hellmann's that's spoiled?

The side of my family we dodge calls from on holidays in Scranton, Pennsylvania, use Miracle Whip exclusively. Mostly on tongue and head cheese sandwiches. Those childhood memories still haunt me." --Jamie Laughlin

"The only thing Miracle Whip tastes good on is a leftover turkey sandwich. Something about that tangy zip." --Scott Reitz

"I'm with Scott on the turkey sandwich thing. For some reason Miracle Whip works there and few other places. Also, it's much more visually appealing. Or much less visually disgusting, to be more precise. Hellmann's just looks like globs of cellulite. If it mixes with the juice from a tomato slice on a sandwich, it looks like something you'd find in a biohazard bag. Miracle Whip may be advisable for those times when you're making a sandwich while queasy, but that probably isn't a good idea in the first place." --Sir Jesse Hughey

"Has anyone ever just globbed some Miracle Whip onto a salad? I assume 'salad' means pasta salad, not lettuce, right?" --Tracie Loucke

"Miracle Whip is fucking awful. The end." --foodbitch

"Hellmann's, hands down!" --Catherine Downes

At Midnight on New Year's Eve, if you spread Miracle Whip on flat surface that faces East, a portal opens to Hell.

Hellmann's was used during WWI to cure motion sickness.

-Nick "Knows Stuff" Rallo

The following chart outlines the do's and do-not-do's of Hellmann's and Miracle Whip usage. Please post it at your place of work, next to the Heimlich poster.

Learn it. Live it.
Learn it. Live it.

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