Horseradish jar on my table count: 1
Beer bottles lining the wall count: 100 Five-liter bottle of Grolsch count: 1
I was selling all of my books, CDs and DVDs back at Half Price Books so I could afford to pay for the boob job I need to get if I ever want to be allowed to set foot in Uptown again, and a friend of mine recommended that I hit up Henk's European Deli (which is directly behind Half Price Books, past the hooker) for lunch while I was over there.
5811 Blackwell St.
As soon as I opened the menu and saw that they offer like 50 different varieties of sausage, I knew I was going to like this place. There was something comforting about it—like I instantly knew I wasn't going to be forced into a sausage relationship that I wasn't ready to commit to. There would be no unwanted sausage advances here. No hairy, sweatpants-wearing, mediocre sausage was going to be allowed to have its way with my face.
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I went with the Hungarian brat, made of hot paprika smoked sausage. Full order of two links, German potato salad, sauerkraut and a pickle? Hell yes. I mean, if these artery-clogging sausages are going to stop my heart, I'm gonna want the immediate heart-stop and not the half-stop. With spicy mustard.
As Neil Diamond's "Coming to America" played over the crackly speakers, I bit into my Hungarian brat and was not disappointed. So good. It gave me that good feeling that my favorite dream does—ya know, the one where I get to punch Renée Zellweger in the face multiple times until she admits that she only squints her eyes all the time so she doesn't have to see her own acting because she knows she's the worst actress on the planet.
Other options on the menu that warrant a return visit include the Hot Amsterdam (which is a sandwich that sounds like it could definitely double as a position, so be sure to properly stretch out first in the event that there's some kind of offer made to you when you order it), the Weiner Schnitzel (just because), a variety of other 'wursts and everything on their breakfast menu.