If you don't have plans for Thanksgiving, you might consider this job posting from Butterball. They are now taking entries for their first male Turkey Talk-Line spokesman.
We're not sure exactly why the candidates have to be male, since plenty of men man the lines for all sorts of issues. Geesh, Sam Sifton is the modern day father of Thanksgiving. Regardless, this nationwide search will get you a spot in Butterball University this November for Turkey 101, taught by the top turkey experts. In addition, there's a trip to Chicago and a cash reward.
What Butterball needs, however, is someone with an extensive, if not mixed, skill set. You need to have traveled down many paths to be able to answer the influx of panicked questions that will light up the Butterball hotline on the fourth Thursday of November.
If you can relate to most of the situations presented below, you're game:
- Last year you watched the entire Thanksgiving episode of Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo and didn't gag once.
- Instead of sweet potato casserole, you created a new dish: marshmallow flambé. Those things catch fire easy, huh? But you didn't throw water in the oven because that is so rookie. (You need to be able to explain what happens to fire in ovens.)
- Once upon a time, long long ago, you asked: "What's this bag inside the turkey? Was I supposed to cook it?" Yes, you've come a long ways since then, but seeing as how you did it once too, you aren't in a position to judge.
- You don't need that pop thermometer that comes with the bird. You have your own internal pop thermometer and it's dead on.
- A Jell-O mold with shaved carrots is a staple vegetable dish on your Thanksgiving table. Dinner does not commence until that firm jiggle is set.
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- In previous years, at least one family member has stormed off before even sitting down at the table. Hey, it happens. So, know that some callers could be emotionally fragile.
- Your guests have snuck off to fast food restaurants on account of your bad timing. Maybe you slept in and turkey got a late start. People get cranky when they get hungry, so the best advice you can give is to let them go.
- The timing of your dinner is based on Cowboys' kick-off at 3:25 p.m. If dinner isn't ready by 2:30 p.m., you'll need to explain how to keep the bird warm without getting that salmonella business until 6ish.
If you could relate to any of those, call them up. You have the diverse background Butterball needs. We all need you.