"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" took on entirely new meaning in the UK this week, as it turns out many people had unknowingly fulfilled their declaration of hunger by eating what they believed to be low-quality beef. Predictably, this has led to outrage across the land, as consumers begin to wonder exactly why horse tastes so good, and if we shouldn't just introduce it across the market, as we've got enough glue anyway.
We don't have many claims to fame as it is. Why not see this as a chance to pioneer a new Western cuisine? If nothing else, my time in the land of the free has taught me how to work the free market.
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SHOW ME HOW
For those of you going "What drug is he on this week?", some background. How did we get here? And what exactly is the problem?
First, there was the revelation that popular supermarket chain Tesco had unwittingly fed people small amounts of horse as a unnamed constituent ingredient within frozen beef burgers, which retailed for around 15c each. I feel like, if you agree to eat a beef product that only cost 15c, at the very best you're going to be consuming a lot of undesirable meat sections anyway. No one has produced a quality finished food product for 15c since the 1950s. It's not going to be the good bits of the cow, is it? It's the scrapings, the profit maximizers, the extra 50c of meat that a slaughterhouse can extract from every cow with a little bit of scarring employees for life. What's a morsel of horse between friends? Presumably it didn't take away from the "flavour".
Now, it would seem that popular vendor of crap Findus has been selling frozen lasagna which contains 100 percent purest horse meat. I would argue that you're probably getting a more prime cut of horse, whatever a prime cut of horse actually is, than you would be beef for the $2 retail price of said lasagna. If they repackaged it, they could probably sell it as some sort of foreign delicacy, and have hipsters eat it so they can get involved in those "who has eaten the most exotic meat?" contests that sometimes happen amongst groups of friends.
The scene is now set for some pioneering horse-meat sellers to forever change the landscape of UK meat and introduce Honest Horse Burgers (tagline: You Were Eating Them Anyway), Horse Steak (tagline: This Thoroughbred is Thorough-Dead), Horse Hawaiian Pizza (tagline: Neigh Problem, Man) and, at a push, Horse Nuggets (tagline: Try Not To Think About It). Horses need to be put to better use than being ridden by rich people over fences anyway. They're not doing anything for me there. Put horses to work. Introduce them to the supermarket, but this time honestly.