How to Be a Cheap Bastard at TJ's Seafood Market

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. It's getting crowded down here.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. It's getting crowded down here.

Fish eyes staring me down: 4

"Fish taco can also mean vagina" jokes that ran through my head during lunch: 456

Fur Coat On A 70-Degree Day Lady arrives a little late to meet her friend, Strait-Lane Old-Money Awesome Huge Old-Lady Hair Lady, and side-hugs her. They talk shit about their grandkids: "Jernathon is 2 now, and Sally refuses to spank him. I swear, this generation is a bunch of pussies." They order one salmon burger and split it.

TJ's Seafood Market (6025 Royal Lane, No. 110) is fancy. (Read: There's a hostess stand and they use cloth napkins and real silverware.) When you go there, you can either order seafood from the market and take it home to prepare it yourself, or eat lunch in the restaurant and let them prepare the fish for you for a nominal fee.

The prices on the menu are too high for a lunch under $10. On a normal day at a normal time, your only real way to get out of here for under $10 is to go to the fish counter, order a quarter-pound of sushi-grade tuna or a half-dozen oysters and stuff your face on your way out the door. Sure, it's paleo as fuck, but it's not a ton of food.

But if you know the TJ's Seafood Cheap-Ass Food cheat code, you can get a real deal: During happy hour at TJ's, you can stuff your face with fish cheaper than you could in a dark alley off Harry Hines Boulevard. From 3 p.m.-6 p.m. on Sundays-Fridays, you can get half-price fish tacos and salmon burgers. ("Ha-ha fish tacos and salmon burgers are two different ways to say lady parts!" jokes will cost you 50 cents a piece.) That brings these two dishes down to a totally acceptable $7 each.

Now, 3 p.m.-6 p.m. might not be your normal mealtime, but are you willing to pretend you're 80 for a day to get your daily dose of fish oil for cheap? Of course you are. Hike your pantyhose up and get your fish-taco game-face ready, Fran.

Obviously, you order the fish tacos because everyone knows a salmon burger is not a burger at all. They should call it a salmon sandwich. Or salmon-on-a-bun-with-other-stuff. Or simply: Joke Burger. I'm sure it's delicious. And someone else should absolutely enjoy it. But if I put a salmon burger in my mouth hole, all the previous burgers I've eaten will shake their burger heads in disappointment at me, and I'll be burger-shamed to death. You guys enjoy them. I'mma sit here and munch on some fish tacos. (I hear it and I don't care.)

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