You know Buzz Bike. It’s that big yellow bike contraption thing that sits about 15 passengers and drives through different parts of Dallas. The passengers are drunk and loud and annoying and they all want you to know what a good time they are having.
It’s all a damn façade. No one lets you in on the nitty and gritty of Buzz Bike. The dirty deets. The behind-the-scenes. But truth is, you’re in the freakin trenches. Just pedaling. Pedaling your life away.
But we have some insider tips because we are now insiders and we want to help you. We are philanthropists.
This is so tragically obvious: Designate one person to plan the whole ordeal. It averages at about $160 per hour and most tours are two hours. So obviously the more people, the less each person has to pay. THIS CAN BE A PAIN IN THE ASS because all the money is due when you book the tour. So someone with the big bucks has to book it, and then you must rely on your piece-of-shit friends to pay you back.
Choose your friends wisely
Speaking of planning, consider the advice your mama gave you at an early age. “Choose your friends wisely” will come in handy now that it’s time for one of the biggest drinking events in your life. Seriously. We’re being serious now. Don’t pick your weak-ass friends whose only form of exercise is checking the mail. Pick your friends who have an entire dresser drawer dedicated to workout clothes and who wake up in the mornings for spin class because they don’t call it Buzz Bike for nothing. The bike seats about 15 people and 10 people pedal. And there are hills. And turns. And you don’t want to be stranded in the middle of the street, so pick people with calves.
Remember it’s BYOB
Have you caught on yet? It’s Buzz Bike because you will get a buzz from drinking while biking. OK, just checking. Buzz Bike is completely BYOB with the exception of hard liquor and glass containers. There will be stops along the way, where you can run into a bar and take one or six shots to rehydrate. Insider tip, though: Don’t do it. You already paid for the bike and your alcohol you brought, so just sit on the non-moving bike and question your life choices there.
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Consider who you want as the DJ and bartender
This might be more important than choosing your actual wedding DJ and bartender or spouse for that matter. One person stands in the middle of the bike and serves everyone their drinks. There's also another person who is in closest proximity to the aux cord. Think things through. What do 15 drunk people pedaling a giant bike want to listen to? Big Sean? Kanye West? ACDC? Ashlee Simpson? The aux cord hooks up to your phone or iPod to so you can blare “Proud to Be an American” over the loud speakers. Because, really, could anything be more ignorantly American than drinking and biking?
It’s going to burn, baby, burn
It’s like a cycling class but about 20 times worse. You might not realize in the moment how much you’re working out because beer numbs all, but your crotch will hurt from the bike seats, your ass will also hurt from the bike seats, your feet will hurt from pedaling and your dignity will hurt from riding in a giant yellow bike through the city.
Just take off from work the next day
The most important life hack you will ever read. Don’t even bother with work the next day. Do you think Thomas Jefferson went into work the day after he wrote the Declaration of Independence? We don’t know, but it’s best not to risk it. Stay home. Nurse the inevitable hangover.
Still want to try it? Book your drink-and-ride at Buzzbike's website.