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I Love Everything About You, Keller's

Don't ask for IPA, alright?
Don't ask for IPA, alright?
Alice Laussade

Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

State of the drive-in at noon: packed Camo hat count: 4

Keller's on Northwest Highway has my favorite dirty burger to eat in the summer. I love the car hops, with their cig-breath and "Darlin"s and their fists full of cash. I love the way the place lights up like Christmas at night. I love the dirty couches right outside the restaurant, presumably for walk-uppers and ne'er-do-well-hanger-arounders. I love the faded menu that reads, "We have plenty of fixin's" and "Every order made to order-- never pre-cooked, frozen or microwaved." I love the truckbeds full of people gleefully stuffing their faces with fried. And most of all, I love the fact that they will walk a beer out to your car for you.

Worth noting: The beer is Bud Light. Corona. Don't roll up here and ask for a fucking IPA, unless you're looking to play a nice game of You're Getting Punched In The Dick.

Keller's is happy, time-capsuled old-timey burger land. It's what would happen if you gave a 1960's Happy Meal a Four Loko and it came to life: burgers flying everywhere, onion rings galore, everyone smiling all the time, with that little, subtle aftertaste of exhaust fumes and possible danger.

To my left sat a nice woman wearing a giant sun hat inside her F250. Her voice strained with The Worst Possible Thing In The World Has Happened "There's A Bomb On The Bus" Speed panic as she yelled at the car hop, "I FORGOT CHEESE I FORGOT CHEESE!!" To my right was a camo-behatted man inhaling a No. 5 Special (a double cheeseburger with special sauce that he ordered Korn-primal-scream loudly - it's essentially a Big Mac on crack).

When my car hop moseyed over, I ordered a cheeseburger-all-the-way ($2.45) plus onion rings ($2.09) plus a lemonade ($1.25). Anything you order here can be modified. They offer such fancy pants items as grilled onions, jalapenos, bacon, chili and no-poppy-seed buns. My food showed up within eight minutes and was inhaled in under two minutes.

The next time your stupid dickhole of a stomach thinks it wants you to go to Sonic, drive yourself to Keller's instead. Sonic can shove its no-booze happy hour drink specials up its brown-bag-special ass.

IMPORTANT: Keller's is cash only. Do not forget this. This place is old. And old places don't take no newfangled science-loving, plastic-ass credit cards. They do have an ATM, but if you use it, you'll be immediately outing yourself as a newbie and a dumbshart.


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