I'll Take A Six-Pack of Christian Human Breast Milk, Please
Remember when we first discovered the Internet and all we used it for was pretending we were dudes and asking dudes who were pretending to be chicks if they wanted to cyber? Well, the Internet has come a long way and now we live in a time when you can blog about dining on your own placenta while ordering someone else's boob milk online. Yay, the Internet!
If you're a mom who'd like your infant to be fed breast milk (probably because you saw that scene from Game of Thrones and now you know how cool it could be), but for one reason or another you don't have access to enough of your own breast milk (maybe it's just not physically possible for you, or you aren't able to produce enough for your greedy baby, or you adopted, or many other possibilities including but not limited to: Chompy McClampdown is ruining your nips and you're like, "Fuck you, Offspring!" and then you realize it's totally not cool to yell at your infant and maybe it's time to seek other options), you can now buy human breast milk online.
Yep, it's real.
At OnlyTheBreast.com, an online breast-milk community featured in a recent Wired article about the growing popularity of selling human breast milk, you can buy, sell and even donate human breast milk. It's like Lady Hooter Milk Craigslist.
Most of the ads boast that the seller's milk is clean, healthy and fresh. This makes sense, as it addresses some natural, relevant concerns the buyers might have about the milk they're purchasing. But some of the ads take a different approach.
Here are just a few entries from the Breast Milk Classifieds at OnlyTheBreast.com that caught our eye:
"Milk in MD from a healthy Christian mother."
Oh, good. Drink in the Jesus, my little infant.
"Fresh Milk from Healthy 2nd Grade Teacher."
Screw wasting time with bedtime stories! Let this milk teach your baby to read!
"Human Dairy Cow! 5,000 oz for SALE!"
Human cow...wait, this woman is part cow, part human?! She's like a lady minotaur?! Awesome! Get that milk in my infant, stat!
I'm gonna go get pregnant right now, just to make a little cash on the side in the future. Call it financial planning. So, when you see the ad that says, "Fresh, Healthy Milk with Just a Liiiiittle Jack Daniels In It," know it's mine.
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