In Honor of Titanic 3D (Or Something), the 10 Very All-Time Best Frozen Foods
Yeah, we went there.
Most of these are dessert-related. And might force you to face your childhood because most of them are also a bit nostalgic. Which may or may not be an indicator that we need therapy.
1. Lemon Chill
Available at any water park, baseball stadium or outdoor concert in the history of ever, the Lemon Chill is one of those things that you know is grossly overpriced but still gladly consume.The cup is bright and sunny. They even replaced the "O" in Lemon with the cross-section of a damn lemon. That's branding. It's always at the perfect temperature and consistency, and it tastes exactly like it did in 1995.
2. M&M's Pop a bag in the freezer and thank me via iTunes gift cards later. They are so chocolatey and cold. Then, they reach the perfect temperature the second they enter your facecave. This is, of course, assuming that your body is in normal operating condition. Frozen M&M's also work well when dumped into a bucket of hot popcorn. YEAH. YOU'RE WELCOME.
3. Twix Ice Cream Bar Right? I didn't know either. I saw it in a gas station freezer bin just months ago and about lost my mind. Remember when you were 8 and your mom would NEVER buy you a Snickers Ice Cream Bar? This is the opposite of that. Because you are a college-educated, gainfully employed, mostly law-abiding citizen with a steady income and a whole pancreas waiting to accept this amazing gift from Mars, Inc. Go buy one. Or all of them. Buy them all.
So good, it's ironic art.
4. Orange Dreamsicle Somewhere in 'Merica, someone has just rationalized eating three of these in rapid succession because they have a fruit flavor involved. Ergo, it must be better than a chocolate-covered anything, yes? No. Which is why we will all end up like the last half of Wall-E (where everyone is all bloated and snarky on a hovercraft).
5. Drumstick Oh yes. That precious little nugget of gold at the bottom. It's totally worth a trip through mediocre ice cream just to get to that thing. Drumsticks are, in addition to being an ingenious feat of food engineering, the perfect after-dinner treat. Or after lunch. Breakfast. Brunch. Trip to Super Target. Took the trash to the curb. Brushed the dog.
6. Fish Sticks Trust the Gorton's Fisherman ... to fuck up your bowels for at least 48 hours. Look, no one likes to talk about what they ate in embarrassingly large quantities in college. Most ate ramen, plenty of Little Caesars, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, etc. Often overlooked (ahem ... underappreciated) are the frozen fish bits pressed into sticks and dumped into a cardboard box, painted yellow and stocked in rows for your freezer aisle pleasure. They might not be "awesome" in flavor, but they certainly evoke nostalgia from An Awesome Time in your life. Spread questionable fish sticks into a single layer on your roommate's cookie sheet, commence making pot of mac-n-cheese and GET OUT THE KETCHUP.
7. Toaster Strudels Toaster Strudel Supporters and Pop-Tart Partisans: begin your war. Toaster Strudels have made this list because they live in the freezer and are the greatest toaster co-star since electricity. Pop Tarts are terrible. Toaster Strudels are a gift.
8. Parrot Bay Freeze and Squeeze Pouches It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday. You've been forced to go grocery shopping. While waiting for your wife/husband to choose between Bird's Eye peas and Green Giant, you spot this in the freezer, staring back at you like a shelter puppy. It's a cheap, no-fuss alternative to spending $200 dollars at Cedars Social ... again. Also, it saves you a trip to Sigel's, because it's spring-loaded with booze. You don't have to shower, put on heels, or wear pants to enjoy a mediocre daiquiri. Evening saved.
9. Ice What? Ice is awesome. Ask your dog.
10. Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream Add a spoon and a recent break-up and you've got yourself a party. This stuff is just plain great. It's cheap and it tastes better that whatever else has freezer-burn in your gross freezer. Sure, there's a $6 pint of gelato next to it at Central Market. But there really is nothing else that can go on top of peach cobbler. Plus they have the best commercial jingle of all time.
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