In Praise of Ascension's Kyoto Brew, Dallas' Most Powerful Cup of Coffee

That's a Kyoto iced coffee, not a whiskey and coke.
That's a Kyoto iced coffee, not a whiskey and coke.
Nick Rallo

There is no day on your future schedule, none whatsover, in which you will get more work done than the day you sipped a Kyoto Brew from Ascension. You know that level of caffenination when you find yourself saying words at ten times the normal volume, and your laughs burst out like overblown microphones? When you say "YES ABSOLUTELY!" in work meetings so loud the person next to you goes to plug their ears? That's the iced coffee at Starbucks. The Kyoto Brew is something else entirely. On the caffeination scale, the Kyoto Brew is: Your Eyes are Headlights on a Truck.

It comes in a short glass, loaded with ice like a whiskey and coke. Its color is somewhere in between chocolate and mahogany. It's simple -- just a little single of the concentrated, cold brew with some crystal clear ice chips -- and it will immediately turn your brain into a Christmas tree. There is no day in the past five years wherein I've gotten more done than after the morning I downed a Kyoto Brew for the first time.

Recently, I saddled up to the Ascension bar to sip another small glass of Dallas' most powerful coffee. Here's a breakdown of where my brain went in the minutes after drinking the Kyoto:

Here's what I felt like going back to my apartment after drinking the Kyoto Brew
Here's what I felt like going back to my apartment after drinking the Kyoto Brew
Ghostbusters 2

Post Kyoto: 10 minutes: Oh, I need to do the laundry. There is so much laundry. I still have a chocolate taste in my mouth from the Kyoto brew. What if all clothes on the Earth suddenly raptured, leaving only naked people? We landed a probe on a comet. A comet.

Post Kyoto: 15 minutes: The guy next to me is putting numbers into a spreadsheet. It's almost 8 p.m.; is he still working? Why is he working so late? Working late means he's probably stressed, but he doesn't look stressed. Maybe he's just paying bills. Did me moving in my seat just sound like a fart sound? Helllooooo fart sounds!

Post Kyoto: 30 minutes: I just realized I can't remember if I went through the proper tipping procedures on the iPad checkout system. I look over at the iPad. Can I just scan the card and tip more just in case? Those muffins look INCREDIBLE. It's busy tonight. Are people always hanging out here? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO VALET TO GET COFFEE?

Post Kyoto: 1 Hour: Mom, I can't talk right now. I'mbusy.Ihavetodothelaundry. Why is laundry always there. My brain is hitting the edges of my skull, can someone help me.

Post Kyoto: 2 Hours: Is the probe bolted to the comet? What happens if it gets knocked off? Whatifitsnotascienceprobe. What if it's a weapon. When it takes photos in space, does it make a "snapping" photo sound? In space, can you hear the sound of a picture going off? No, I saw Interstellar. I'm headed to do the laundry bye

It's good iced coffee, one of Dallas' simplest and most powerful. If you need to get anything done, like build a house in four hours, the Kyoto brew is for you.

Ascension is a coffee shop at 1621 Oak Lawn Ave, Dallas, TX 75207.

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Ascension Coffee

1621 Oak Lawn Ave.
Dallas, TX 75207

214-741-3211

www.ascensiondallas.com


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