It's getting cold outside and that means one horrible, awful, nasty thing: It's meatloaf season again.
Not sure if you know the origin of meatloaf, but it was invented hundreds of hundreds of years ago by other horrible cooks. The following is the two-step process for making your own meatloaf: 1) Gather perfectly good meats and breads and 2) Ruin the shit out of them.
Meatloafers, I implore you: Stop loafing your meats! Stoppitstoppitstoppit.
And stop telling me, "Oh, you don't like meatloaf? That's probably because you've never had my meatloaf. And you should also really try this other meatloaf they serve at the place in town that does the best meatloaf." The phrase "the best meatloaf" hits me exactly like the phrase "the best-tasting diarrhea." It's still fucking diarrhea, y'all, and none of that's going in this mouth either, pleaseandthankyou.
There's no way to talk about meatloaf in a way that sounds appetizing.
Exhibit A: "Wanna come back to my house and have a little meatloaf?"
Exhibit B: "Leftover meatloaf"
Exhibit C: "I've gotta go in the back and make some meatloaf. I'll be back in about thirty minutes."
Exhibit D: "My meatloaf is moist."
(Commenters will be offering additional evidence for this case.)
I know you meatloafers just really love turning foods into loaves, so I'd like to offer you some other food options that you could turn into loaves:
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
I hope you all will join me in the fight against loafing meats. It's a cause that's very close to my heart.