She boned someone, got super fat, made your whole body from scratch and then successfully shot you out of her lady parts. And to thank your mother for all that, you give her a Hallmark card and call it even? No. No, you do not.
You're an adult now. It's time to cut the crap and give her some real appreciation on Mother's Day. Your mom is way too nice to call you out on the bullshit Mother's Day gifts you've been giving her recently, but we're not. So, here's our list of five things you shouldn't give Mom this Mother's Day.
Macaroni Necklace You're 25. This shit might have worked when you were little, but you give your mom a macaroni necklace or one of those shitty acrostic poems now and she deserves to give you a punch in your nuts (which she built for you, by the way).
Fruit Bouquet The folks at Edible Arrangements should be taken out in a street and beaten for creating these fruit bouquets. Cantaloupe is not cool, y'all. Not cool. A fruit bouquet says, "Hey Mom! I'm too cheap to buy you flowers and also too cheap to buy you ripe fruit! Here's some ugly ass craft project I paid a stranger to make for you!" There is absolutely no reason for you to ever buy anyone a fruit bouquet. Ever.
Chocolates Chocolate is an aphrodisiac. No, sir.
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Olive Garden Hey, Fancy Pants. Way to pamper the woman who decided you should exist. We're not saying you need to spend more money on your mom, but we are saying that never-ending salad and bread sticks do not make up for all those times she wiped dump from your butt.
Breakfast in Bed Breakfast in bed was never cute. You bring her some shitty ass cold breakfast you made, it gets crumbs all up in her bed and then she gets the added joy of cleaning up the kitchen you wrecked. Also, she humps dudes in that bed. Eating breakfast sausages in there while you watch? Not ideal.
So, what should you get her if all these options are off limits? How about booze? Or a gift card to dinner without you? Or Tre Wilcox? You're welcome.