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Oh How I Hate These New Age Six-Pack Beer-Can Holder Things

Deep Ellum IPA: You're cool.  Neon-green Holder: GTFO.
Deep Ellum IPA: You're cool. Neon-green Holder: GTFO.

There are few food and drink trends that have exploded over the past decade as much as craft beer, and Dallas is finally riding the frothy wave. And within the craft beer megatrend, there's been a niche that has seen even more voracious growth: "good" canned beer.

With the rush to fulfill the mania of thirsty canned beer customers, craft brewers have sought ways to trick up the packaging for the cans. Which brings us to the subject at hand: rigid plastic six-pack holsters.

See also: Noble Rey Brewing Co., a New Brewery, Is Setting Up Shop in Oak Cliff

The picture you see above was taken yesterday, as I was celebrating National IPA Day, or as I like to call it, Day. The Deep Ellum IPA is fantastic; that's not where I take umbrage. It's that holder.

If there's one thing that's worse than running out of beer, it's having beer and being forced to solve a tactile riddle just to get a sip of it. How the hell do you get a beer out of that thing? Here is a list of all the methods you may employ to wrest your beverage away from this contraption:

Pull Hard: Nothing will result. Six-pack holder is unfazed. Any surrounding women and children giggle at you.

Pull Really Hard: Again, no result. Six-pack holder bends a bit, but doesn't relent its grip on the can. A small crowd gathers around you. The word "pussy" is muttered under the breath of monsters.

Twist the Can: There's no way someone could have made something this painful to get a beer out of, right? Clearly brains are the way to beat this thing. So let's just twiii ... OK, counterclo ... Jesus mother of WHAT ARE YOU????

Chain Saw: It didn't need to come to this, but here we are: power tools. Saw all six holders and caps off the cans. Chug all six simultaneously. Throw six-pack holder in a metal garbage bin. Add gasoline. Ignite bin. Piss on ashes. Have member of aforementioned crowd retrieve another six-pack. This war isn't over.

Pull Harder Than You've Ever Pulled Anything In Your Life: After minutes of strain, SUCCESS! Oh, by the way, you have a hernia now.

Once you've gotten your beer out of its prison, be careful when you open it. As many a geyser-beer has taught me, the intense pulling needed to get these cans free puts a mighty shake into your precious booze. The trick is to time your pull just right so that as soon as the can breaks free, your arm immediately goes dead.

Now sit back and enjoy your beer. You've earned it. Plus, you need to conserve energy for getting the other five out of that damn holder.


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