Last week, like the Doomsday Clock in Dr. Strangelove, the KFC Web site started a countdown to the release of their new and terrifying sandwich.
The big reveal came on Monday.
The sandwich is two fried chicken breasts sandwiching bacon, cheese and a thick sauce. That's right, kids--no bun. If that isn't scary enough, they named it "The Double Down," originating, we figure, from the blackjack strategy that literally doubles your bet on a given hand. Our guess is by eating the sandwich you're asking for the same odds as a cardiac infarction.
The Double Down is but the next step in the good-enough-to-kill-you campaign whose primary battleground seems to be fast food franchises. Appealing to the anti-wussification sentiments of the arterially clogged, these chains employ monikers tailored to induce fear and in some cases, slow death, to enforce compliance with its rigid code of overeating.
Below is a list of actual foods from these fast food chains with names designed to kill you:
1. The Baconator - Wendy's
It's a huge double cheeseburger with six strips of bacon, mayonnaise and ketchup, weighing in at 840 calories. No lettuce. No tomatoes. No pretense at health. Just a name inspired by an Arnold Schwarzenegger character who stops at nothing to take a person down.
2. Volcano Taco: Taco Bell
Just a regular taco, really--except for the red shell and the "lava sauce" Though it doesn't quite fall into the food-that-makes-you-sweat category, any food named after an eruption has the propensity to cause one in you. Can you say acid reflux?
3. Toasty Torpedo: Quiznos
This grab-and-go sandwich is a 12-incher so it's not hard to figure out how it got its name. Despite the Torpedo's length, complaints about its thinness echo throughout the Internet, so don't expect this to be the darling of the Anti-Health crowd.
4. Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin' Habanero
Just in case Doritos 1st Degree Burn Blazin' Jalapeno didn't singe your mouth or it's 2nd Degree Burn Fiery Buffalo didn't generate the heat necessary to douse yourself in fluids, Doritos is giving you one last chance to spontaneously combust. Maybe it's not all that, and at 320 calories a pack, there is not too much gain with your pain. Of course, there's always dip.
5. Monster Thickburger: Carl's Jr
If the name of this hefty double cheeseburger with bacon isn't enough to scare you to death, than its 1420 calories should. What? You want fries with that?
7. Monster Energy Drink: Xpresso Hammer
Sounds like one of the beefy wrestlers Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) faced in the 2008 drama, The Wrestler. But no, it's a tall boy mix of espresso, and 2500 mg. of chemically induced energy. The Ram already had a bad ticker but that might have not kept him from downing a few before a match.
8. Endless Lunch: TGIF
Endless Lunch's slogan is "Laugh. Eat. Repeat." Soup, salad, breadsticks, drink, which you can experience over and over and over again. Sounds more akin to a recurring nightmare than a happy meal.
9. Black-Out Cake: Cheesecake Factory
We can guess where the factory got the name for their "Deepest, Richest Chocolate Cake." At 1290 calories, Black-Out Cake can send you into a diabetic coma.
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10. Buffalo Burnin' Hot - Pizza Hut
This is The Hut cranking up the heat and taking their wings to the spice-max. But dropping the "g" in burning--as though the sauce seared it right off--may not be enough to give heat seekers the kind of drop-dead burn they live for.
Bonus Kill: the Shrimp Taco: Taco Bell
May not instantly instill fear in your heart--until you wonder about institutional amounts of shrimp at a Taco Bell in August. We're just sayin.'