The somber Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur begins at sundown, extending until precisely 7:44 p.m. tomorrow. So while you all are stuffing your faces with festival barbecue, Oktoberfest beers, fried fair fare and pumpkin-flavored everything, I, and millions of other Jewish folk, will be consuming absolutely nothing. No food, no water, nothing. It's a very, VERY long day.
But in the spirit of having even more to atone for, I'd like to talk about your sins. Yes, you.
Top 10 food sins I wish Dallasites would stop committing:
The sin of piss-poor tipping. Unacceptable, dudes.
The sin of complaining about valet. I'm guilty of this too, but it's time to realize we live in Dallas and that it comes with the territory.
The sin of being gluten-free for no damn reason. If you're not truly allergic, you're just being difficult.
The sin of being effing Paleo. But please don't kick my ass, Crossfitters. You look real good in your Lululemons.
The sin of hitting up chains more often than mom & pops. I see you and your Chicken Crispers, too.
The sin of hating on other people's favorite tacos. There are plenty of tortillas for everyone.
The sin of hating on the Houston food scene. Just kidding, it blows!
The sin of naming restaurants after inanimate objects. I'm looking at you, Tesar.
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The sin of choosing phone activities over social interaction. Let's all live in the moment and really savor our dining experiences.
The sin of eating too much bacon. That's right, I said it.
For shame, Dallas, for shame. Shape up by next year or there will be no bagels or lox or matzah ball soup for you.