The Amazing Ultimate Cheese Burger At Burger Bueno Pairs Nicely With A Heart Attack

When I walked into Burger Bueno, the crazy variety of menu options immediately threw me into an order coma. I guess I expected this place to offer a bunch of different "bueno" burgers. Maybe even something weird and American/Mexican fusiony, like a burger with salsa on it.

They did, indeed have burgers. But they also had a huge selection of—wait for it—gyros. Gyros and burgers. Fucking gyros and burgers? My two stomachs started getting all peacocky:

Burger stomach: Sweet! I haven't had a burger in like 24 hours. Burger me!

Gyro stomach: No way, asshat! It's gyro time.

Burger stomach: Does nobody find it weird that that lamb meat is just out all day spinning around slowly like the restaurant in Reunion Tower?

Gyro stomach: I'll cut a bitch.

And then Jesus broke up the stomach-off and whispered in my ear, "If you order anything but the Ultimate Cheese Burger, you're a complete dick-lick." Well said, Christmeister. Well said.

The Ultimate Cheese Burger comes with grilled onions, grilled jalapeños, grilled mushrooms, three kinds of cheese, bacon, avocado, tomato, lettuce and the house special sauce. Fucking. Awesome.

I added a side of onion rings and a Coke in case the aforementioned Holy Balls Burger didn't tide me over. It was about 12 bucks (because of the added beer-battered onion rings, but I'll take one for the team on that one). But you could order the burger (this one was $6.75, but most on the menu are around $5) and a $1.75 drink and still have leftovers for about a week.

When the burger came out, I laughed in its face. It was so big. The patty was thin, but its circumference was stunning. And it was piled with way more jalapeños and pickles than you usually get on a burger, which I thought was fantastic. The house sauce was like Thousand Island, but thinner. I thought it paired very nicely with my heart attack. There were just so many good flavors involved, at some point my taste buds just surrendered and were like, "OK, I get it! You're amazing. Gah!"

Check this place out after your will is in order. You won't regret it. Probably.

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