The Cheap Bastard Has Found the Perfect Coffee Shop: White Rock Coffee

An artist's rendering of the White Rock chicken salad.
An artist's rendering of the White Rock chicken salad.
Alice Laussade

Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

You're pretending to work on a rainy day. So, you go to White Rock Coffee (10105 E. Northwest Highway). When Duncan Sheik begins to play over the speakers ("CUZIAM barely breathing. I can't find the air. Donno who I'm kidding, imagining you care") as you're sipping your Americano (which is so good it's almost as good as your plan for a Game of Thrones spin-off that would just be Lannisters dissing people, called Lannister Negs Featuring Mystery, because you'd get Mystery from VH1's The Pick-Up Artist to be on it in his top hat, feather boa and jewelry), you finally realize where you are: the perfect coffee shop.

This place has it all:

Duncan Sheik.

Old grannies talking about changing their flats on White Rock Trail and being offended by the term "granny gear."

"Andahcouldstandherewaiiiiting. A fool foranotherday."

A nice blonde girl with dreads behind the counter who's determined to get you to try the free samples of breakfast breads.

"Butuhdon't suppose it'sworththepriceit'sworththeprice the price that I would payyayaaaaayaaaaaay."

High-schooler art that's sometimes endearingly bad, and sometimes super fuckin' scary because it shows a girl in her bedroom, checking under her bed and seeing a bloody-faced-monster-girl-from-The-Ring version of herself under there, and it makes you remember how jacked up it is to be a teen.

It has hipsters wondering if Duncan Sheik is being played ironically or not. It's really fucking with them in the most wonderful way.

This place has Serious Businessman Taking Serious Business Calls And Being Annoyed

That Anyone Would Brew Coffee While He's Talking.

And, best of all: White Rock Coffee has lunch for cheap. The Chicken Lunch Box has house-made chicken salad, house-made quinoa salad, grapes and some breadies. The chicken salad has apples in it. This reminds you of your mom's chicken salad, which is the One True Chicken Salad. The only thing missing is a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper and some hopscotch. You long for your be-unicorn-ed Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, and you still have a deep desire to win at hopscotch. Any kind of scotch, really.

If you're not hungry, you could order four shots of espresso and shit your brains out. Ladies' choice.

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