For this week's cover story, Alice "The Cheap Bastard" Laussade provides an extensive and profane guide to, as she puts it, her "favorite restaurants in Dallas where cheap meets delicious (without meeting diarrhea)." It follows. Also, now you can Cheap Bastardize freakin' anything.

Drive-Through Deals White Rock Coffee 4216 Abrams Road The Starbucks drive-through on Northwest Highway has a singing barista. Guess that's cool if you like to start your morning by busting barista noses. If someone singing at you before you've had your coffee sounds like the worst marketing idea ever, check out White Rock Coffee. Drive up and get you some caffeine. Order a White Rocker (latte with caramel and white chocolate), then brag for the rest of your life that you got face-banged by Bret Michaels.

Big Mama's Chicken N Waffles 9810 Forest Lane At Big Mama's Chicken N Waffles, you can drive through the line or walk up to the window. Either way, you're paying cash only. So bring your bills and order the chicken and waffles. Do not stray from this order. Repeat: Do not be a doofus.

When you look at the food pile they serve up, you'll think, "It's just chicken and waffles. I mean, seriously, how good can it [bite] AWMAHAGAD THAT'S WHAT MY MOUTH LIKES!" Eat it.