OK, sure. Business analysts and stoners everywhere are freaking out about Taco Bell's new morning menu. The Bell's corporate overseers, Yum! Brands, is turning waffles into tacos and hash browns into crunch wrap supremes in a brazen attempt to take the eggs and bacon on a run for the border.
But while others anticipate the coming release date with fire-roasted hot sauce packets at the ready, it's important to look further forward. At some point the winners and losers will be picked, and that's when things at Taco Bell will get really interesting. That's when the whole breakfast menu will start to evolve.
If the folks at Taco Bell are good at anything, they're good at spinning existing ingredients into a seemingly endless array of snacks, all of which look irresistible to anyone who's up past midnight. Think about it: The same flat shell that gives a cruchwrap its structure is used to form the base for their failed tostada. If you take a gordita shell, lightly fry it till you've got the framework for a chalupa. And then there are the combinations plays, like the cheesy gordita crunch, which is simply a crunchy taco glued to a gordita shell with gooey cheese.
You might picture the guys in the cost department getting together with the marketing people in the board room, loading up the bingo ball dispenser with all of their ingredients and randomly cranking out their next hit. All white meat chicken from the tacos and burritos, chipotle ranch sauce from the gorditas, griddle-crisped tortilla, and BOOM! Chipotle Ranch Chicken Loaded Griller. The money pours out of the ceiling.
This new breakfast menu adds completely new ingredients to the menu that Taco Bell hasn't worked with before, and that means more potential for crazy new creations.
Here's a guess at what might land on the menu in the future, straight from the white board.
The Waffle Cruncher There's no way that waffle is going to fly as is. If it's flaccid and pliable enough to fold into a taco shell for sausage and eggs, the texture is going to be terrible. Why not toss the waffle in the deep fryer instead? Hot oil will crisp the waffle up, and it can be served with sugar, cinnamon and a drizzle of honey like a sopapilla.
It might end up being the most Mexican thing on their entire menu.
Breakfast Tostada Once the Waffle Cruncher is perfected, we can start to build on the shell with the breakfast tostada. Simply take the waffle straight from the fryer and top it with eggs, bacon and anything you're into. If it's not selling, just try applying more chipotle ranch.
Head over the page for the nightmarish Paleo Taco.
Taco Paleo Loco Taco Paleo Loco is marketing genius designed for the carbohydrate conscious. Just take the existing waffle taco, which is lined with a sausage patty and filled with eggs, and get rid of the waffle completely to create sausage patty taco shells. Offer with a 10-percent discount to Cross Fit.
Chorizos Locos Chorizos locos in an ingenious culinary invention that folds extra spicy Doritos powder into ground sausage before it is formed into patties. Use chorizos locos just as you would use regular (boring) sausage, for some pork with a lot more zing.
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The Big Breakfast Burrito Soon to be known as the Triple B by stoners everywhere, the big breakfast burrito takes every component on this list and rolls them in a jumbo tortilla with three squirts of processed cheese sauce. The Triple B will be offered with a 64 ounce Mountain Dew mixed with orange juice for a $5.00 value meal. That's just a tenth of a cent per calorie!