Beer is lovely, in many ways because of its very simplicity. In its purest form, it's just four ingredients. And all you have to do is open a bottle or can and drink it -- pouring it into a glass first, if you're really trying to savor it.
So why is there a never-ending stream of products and packaging designs that needlessly complicate consumption of the humble brewski by agitating it, offering temperature controls or even launching it at the consumer?
Following is but the tip of the cold-activated iceberg of ridiculous beer-related inventions.
1. Beer Hour (Biru Awa) Beer Can Dispenser.
"A surprisingly large number of people struggle to pour a decent glass of beer from a can," according to the product description of this battery-powered device, which aerates beer (or your beverage of choice) as you pour it from a can. Anyone who shells out $40 (plus $21 in shipping costs to the U.S.) for an appliance that stirs up a foamy head probably struggles with a lot of things.
2. The Koozie
If your beer tastes bad when it gets a few degrees above the freezing point, you don't need a sleeve of foam insulation to protect it -- you need to stop drinking shitty beer. Or just drink your shitty beer faster. Koozies are more trouble than they're worth, anyway. Once the can or bottle starts sweating, it sticks so tenaciously to the Koozie that it's nearly impossible to extricate once empty -- and when it finally comes loose, it does so violently, spraying any remaining backwash all over the drinker.
3. The keychain bottle opener
OK, our keyring has sported a bottle opener since we could drive. But even we'll admit, it seems a little strange to keep a tool intended to facilitate beer drinking nestled up against our car keys. Seems like they should be kept as far apart as possible. Also, it's really tricky to open a bottle when the opener is dangling from the ignition.
4. The Vortex bottle
Grooves in the bottleneck supposedly spin the beer as it pours. But why? Surely this isn't just some marketing gimmick -- there must be a reason that centrifugal force can improve the beer. But damned if we can figure out how -- once we put aside our skepticism about whether any such whirlpool action actually occurs in the first place.
5. Cold activated cans and bottles
We'll admit, the thought of drinking Coors Light or any MillerCoors product at any temperature above tongue-numbing makes us queasy. But this marketing gimmick is just an insult to our intelligence, as if millions of potential customers are scratching their heads saying, "Der, how will ah know the burrah is cold if'n it don't look cold?"
6. The vented wide-mouth can
In 2008, MillerCoors made the controversial but ultimately universally applauded decision to improve the quality of Coors Light by brewing with malted barley instead of trash-cheap rice and adding a perceptible amount of hops to the beer so that it could be palatable even when not ice-cold. Just kidding! They came up with a bullshit can design that supposedly helps you chug it faster.
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7. Shoot A Brew cooler
OK, we'll admit this one looks kind of cool. It launches a beer up to 8 feet via remote control, which could be useful if you're in its trajectory. Hey, nobody ever said awesome and idiotic are mutually exclusive.
8. Beer helmet
Come on, that flimsy thing couldn't possibly protect your head from a beer. Oh, wait, gotcha -- it holds two beers and lets you drink them with a straw. Well, never mind -- that's not idiotic at all.