The Original Daiquiris To Go, Land of the "Break a Bitch" and "Suck Me Dry," Is Not Playin'

Yes, that says "blow jobs."
Yes, that says "blow jobs."
Alice Laussade

Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

Other cars in the drive-thru: 0

Level of seriousness of the person serving me frozen booze in a sealed, plastic bag: HIGHEST

The Original Daiquiris To Go (543 S Riverfront) claims to be "DALLAS TX 1ST FROZEN DRINK SPOT. THINK I'M PLAYIN.'" I could not confirm or deny whether or not they were playin' at this time.

On the one hand, the peeling paint on the building could lead you to believe that they were playin'.

On the other hand, the bars on the window say, "decidedly not playin'."

The menu item names, including "A Lil Dick Ill Do," "Royal Fuck," "Suck Me Dry," "Chasity," "Sex In Dallas," and to a lesser extent, "North Dallas," say that there is a strong to quite strong chance that this place must be playin'.

But, then, in all caps next to the menu is a sign that reads, "Please order by number, not name." #notplayin.

The Original Daquiris To Go is cash-only. If you try to give them a credit card, they are likely to squinty-bitchface you. (This face is not to be confused with the recent popularity of the concept of "resting bitch face." Because, men and ladies: "resting bitch face" isn't a thing. You're just a bitch. And that's OK. Be a bitch. Own the bitchery. Don't try to pretend you're only a bitch half the time. Because while you're pretending you're super nice, everyone else is just waiting for the bitch hammer to drop. Which it will. Because you're a bitch. You're a bitch with a capital BITCH. And the world needs you. If everyone were nice all the time, nobody would appreciate the nice people. Your bitchassness makes us love and appreciate the nice people around us. It also makes us get haircuts after you make fun of us. And buy new khakis when you laugh at the pleats. Because of bitches, the world is a better place. Bitching is what made George Lucas make another Star Wars movie. "Ugh, FINE YOU ASSHOLES I'LL DO IT." And during the holiday season, we need your bitching more than ever. Just look at that lady in the NorthPark parking lot, stealing your spot. And that mom with the crying kid? She should be working harder to shut her kid up in Target. This is Target--who even brings their kids to Target? Why do kids even exist? Gross. Boogers.)

I ordered a 24 oz. "Break A Bitch" (sweet n sour, strawberry, margarita) for $7 cash to finally find out whether or not this place was "playin.'" While I waited, I read more signs. "DO NOT OPEN DRINKS ON PREMISES." "Cocunut." "Touch of strawberry." "Small $5, Large $7, Gallon $17."

The beverage was served to me inside a closed plastic bag, with the straws separate from the bag of beverage. This point was extremely important to the never-smiling man at the window, because this way, it is not an open container, and is totally legalsurefinewhatever. I told him to have an awesome day. He did not reply. I waited five long seconds. He did not blink.

The Original Daquiris To Go: not, in fact, playin'.

"But, was the drink any good?" you ask. The only answer is that if you're drinking a Break A Bitch and you're not having fun, you're a complete fucking failure. Season's bitchings, everyone. Season's bitchings.


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