Last year, I listed out the ten best food-based Super Bowl ads for you guys. And this year, while everybody else was eating at least a bajillion chicken wings, lamenting over all those poor chickens or tweeting about the "Blackout Bowl," I was diligently watching all the commercials once again. Let's see which of the food groups spent their 3.8-million-per-30-seconds wisely. My money's on empty calories and male curiosity.
10. Beck's Sapphire Honestly, this one slipping onto the top of the top ten is actually more of an award for being the weirdest. I don't think anyone really understands why an animated betta fish would serenade a bottle of fancy Beck's with his rendition of Blackstreet's "No Diggity." But on behalf of all our collectively confused, very furrowed eyebrows, I sincerely hope that fish gets a cameo in the next Nemo flick.
9. Bud Light "Journey"
In a slightly creepy move, Bud Light dusted off the great Stevie Wonder and used his ass to sell beer-flavored water. And then they did it twice. Budweiser has a lot of money.
8. M&Ms "Love Ballad"
"It hurts, but I kinda like it!" exclaims the red M&M asGlee
actress Naya Rivera nibbles on the top of his head. This spot is cute, she's hot and everybody loves a good Meatloaf joke. Meatloaf is also a food, which means 5 extra points. End of story.
7. Doritos "Goat 4 Sale" Well, Doritos was back again (and I'm not talking about the Taco Bell Cool Ranch taco). I'm talking about slightly quirky, kinda funny ads about the chip we all really wish we could resist. This time there were cross-dressing Dads, adorable dogs and my personal favorite, a really pissed off goat.
6. The Rock Got Milk
Even in the year 2013, the American Dairy Farmers still want us to drink our milk. And now they're using superhero-esque The Rock to tell us so. Nothing can ever beat out Aaron Burr, but for this year, Dwayne Johnson will have to do.5. Coke "Coke Chase"
Welp, since the plight of the polar bear has gotten a bit too real of late, what with global warming and whatnot, Coke decided to go with a high-speed desert chase involving Vegas showgirls, cowboys, camels and bikers, with the winner ultimately decided by consumers' votes online. Spoiler Alert: it was the showgirls in the end who got the first sweet, sweet Coke-filled sips. Because as everyone knows chicks always win the Super Bowl.
4. Wonderful Pistachios "Get Crackin'"
Okay people. You know when this spot came on you felt that familiar urge to get up off your seat and dance. And with the average amount of fat and calories most folks eat during the Super Bowl, you probably should have. Two things that I found most interesting about this particular spot: 1) this advertiser is both the healthiest and most expensive food item on this list. 2) When PSY was asked in an interview if he likes pistachios, he basically said 'We have similar nut-type things in Korea so..." and there you have it. PSY does it...Gangham Style
3. Budweiser "Brotherhood"
Oh stop crying already. This was only the second most tear-jerking spot about farmers last night. Go 'merica. Drink beer and buy trucks. Fun fact: the foal (which is horse for "baby") featured in this spot was only a week old when the ad was filmed. All together now: AWWWW.
2. Oreo "Whisper Fight" Oreo has done some good work lately on the social media. First they had a little twitterspat with AMC Theaters, and now this: During the blackout, Oreo managed to do something called "newsjacking" wherein they respond to the big news of the moment with an act of quick-thinking, self-serving promotional funny business. I awarded Oreo twenty bonus points for this.
But meanwhile, in another act of quiet confidence, Oreo produced "Whisper Fight," a spot which besides getting kids on Twitter to ask, "What's this "library" you speak of?", featured polite, whispering librarygoers fighting violently over which is superior, the cream or the cookie. As any Arnold Palmer fan knows, the sum is greater than either of the individual parts, but the spot was pretty funny anyway.
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1. Taco Bell "Viva Young"
In "Viva Young" Taco Bell proves that its food isn't just for drunk, misbehaving young people, but that drunk, misbehaving old people can also get in the fourth meal game. Bonus points for the Spanish version of last year's big Super Bowl song. And for making me miss my grandpa.