Top Five Best and Worst Halloween Treats
There's always that one house in the neighborhood that rocks the effin' ween out of Halloween. The house that every kid is excited about. That house that has such good candy, it inspires adults to pimp out their not-even-eating-solid-foods-yet infants. So, how do you become the best Halloween candy-havin' house in the hood? All it takes is a little serious candy shopping.
Here's a list of the top five best and the five worst Halloween treats to give out to your trick-or-treaters this year. Use it properly and it'll instantly propel your house to Halloween pimp status.
Worst Halloween Treats
1) Dum Dums. What is this, a liquor store? Dum Dums are the saddest excuse for lollipops on the planet. They're so small, it's like someone licked the lollipop to a nub and then rewrapped it and was like, "Here! Have my lollipop leftovers!" Dum Dums are the little people of lollipops. And, spoiler alert: The mystery flavor with the big question mark on it isn't raspberry, it's poop.
2) Raisins. What the hayl? You're the same person who hands out apples on Halloween, aren't you? And you're that guy who sends people fruit arrangements instead of flower arrangements. Stop trying to make fruit happen! It's Halloween. There are rules.
3) Anything they used to throw during the skate scramble at Josey Skateland. That means you, Sugar Daddys, Tootsie Rolls, Dubble Bubble, Smarties and Peppermints. Nobody wants you. And nobody wants a million of you even less.
Worst. Halloween gift. ever.
4) Toothpaste, toothbrushes, floss, or bibles. It's candy night. Not agenda night, Hephaestus Hornblower Halloween Hater. If you don't want to play nice, do us all a favor, turn off your lights and don't answer the door. It's really okay to opt out. Promise.
5) Candy corn. Who invented this barf? Corn is not candy. Corn is corn. And candy is candy. The two should never be combined. Even the name sounds like something invented by dentists to trick kids into thinking candy sucks. "You say you want candy? Well, why don't you try some of this candy corn! It's just like candy, only it tastes worse than vegetables your body can't even properly digest!" Candy corn is punishment candy. Don't do it.
Best Halloween Treats
1) Fun size.
Fun sized candy is a Halloween classic. Whether it's Hershey's fun size, Reese's fun size or Skittles fun size, it's a solid choice to fill up your candy bowl. Just make sure you have a variety. Because a whole bowl of fun-sized Mr. Goodbar is no fun at all. To achieve Badassest Halloween House Pimp status: make it rain fun-sized candy in your front yard every half hour, or you could just have a giant bowl of fun-sized candy that your treaters can swim in Scrooge McDuck-style.
2) Go giant.
Don't get a lot of trick-or-treaters in your neck of the woods? Then hook those few kids up with giant-sized awesomeness. Give out giant candy bars, giant Pixie Stix, giant boxes of Nerds. Doesn't really matter what kind of candy it is as long as it says the words "king size" or "giant" on the package. To achieve Best Candy Giver-Outer Evar status: Near the end of the night, give one lucky trick-or-treater the whole bowl. Ba-blam! You just blew that little Skeletor's mind.
3) Something only available from a Halloween candy aisle.
We're talkin' gummy eyeballs, mummy Pez dispensers, even those Russell Stover's marshmallow pumpkins (But steer clear of the pumpkin peeps or the ghost peeps. Those things are not trick-or-treat-bucket friendly). In this case, the candy doesn't even have to taste good, it just has to look super cool. I used to live for those little skeletons in a plastic casket and those little shits tasted like vitamins. To achieve Craziest Candy Giver status: Dress as a vampire and give out these crazy bags of candy blood. (pic included)
4) Throwback candy
If you can be the one to introduce this generation of trick-or-treaters to the kickass candies we all grew up with, you get mega Halloween points. Troll the interwebs for cool candies that are so hard to find in stores these days, like those delicious Lifesavers swirled lollipops or Pop Rocks. To achieve Ultimate Hipster Halloween House status: Track down some Cinnaburst or Dr Pepper flavored gum. Wow, You. You're so cool.
5) Anything teeth-ruining
You really wanna make those trick-or-treaters happy, you give them anything that will break their teeth in half or rip the teeth right out of their mouths instantly: jawbreakers (bonus points because they double as choking hazards!), atomic fireballs, anything gummy or caramel-y. They're all trying to lose those baby teeth anyhow, right? To achieve Grand Supreme Candy House status: Exclusively buy the mouth-staining flavors.
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