It always makes me chuckle when I receive e-mails from extreme health-food vegans telling me I should be eating a healthier plant-based diet. The last one I got said, "You are a bad example of the way vegans should eat."
This guy must've read all about my sick obsession for brownies and Froot Loops.
Yeah, I think vegan food should be fun. And like Cartman, "I do what I waunt!"
So in honor of my newfound critic, I decided to compile a list of some of my favorite junk foods from PETA's "I Can't Believe It's Vegan" list. This one's for you, self-appointed health-food police.
Oreo cookies, made by Nabisco, have long been a favorite of mine. When I was a kid, my brother Michael and I would snack on these every Saturday morning while watching Hanna Barbera's Laff-A-Lympics. The cartoon was hilarious, so we'd laugh our asses off, gleefully sporting our little chocolate-covered teeth. Well, I'm still a big fan of Oreos.
And it's pretty sweet that Double Delight Mint'n Creme Oreos, Chocolate Creme Oreos, and Halloween Oreos are also vegan. With Halloween just around the corner, I may have to stock up for Disturbathon snacks!
I like to wash my Oreos down with a big glass of almond milk and a heavy pour of Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Syrup. Hits the spot every time! But I do like to mix it up every now and again with Nesquik Strawberry and Nesquik Very Vanilla. Too bad the Mexican banana syrup my grandmother used to serve us isn't vegan. That stuff was hella good!
Occasionally, a heartier breakfast is in order. That's when I grill a Thomas New York Style bagel and smother it with Bluebonnet Light Margarine and Peanut Butter & Co. Dark Chocolate Dreams. Nothing tops a good ol' American classic like the combined flavors of chocolate and peanut butter! Or on those days when I wanna go the fruity route, I slather on some Smucker's Goober Grape Peanut Butter.
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Sometimes, though, that Saturday night Tecate hangover requires a little nursing in the form of some fried goodness. And few things do the trick like deep-fried Betty Crocker Hash Browns. I like to drench mine in buckets of Heinz Ketchup and sprinkle a little nutritional yeast (aka "nooch") for a cheesy flavor. Chased down with a Red Bull, meeting up with friends for Sunday brunch mimosas is a cinch!
But I always make sure to have a fresh bag of Original Fritos and a can of Hormel Vegetarian Chili on hand for those post-mimosa munchies. I'm all about breaking out the nooch again to make a faux Frito Pie.
Might make for a miserable Monday morning, but hey--nothing a little Monster Energy Drink can't fix.
No, I may not be the healthiest of vegans. But you know what? At least I have fun with my food, and I'm not hurting any animals in the process. So dude, you can have your crudités. I'll be happy to tell you where to dunk 'em.