Vern's Place

Vern's Place looks exactly like the kind of place my mom doesn't want me to visit. So, I went. Well, I drove past it for a week and then I went. With some friends. For some reason, the barred windows made it seem a little unwelcoming. But the sign on the outside says, "Specializing in good food," and the parking lot's always full, so, I tried it out.

For $7.34 (cash only, y'all) I got two pieces of fried chicken, some mashed potatoes with gravy, biscuits and a sweet tea. The A/C was broken the day I went, so it was pretty steamy in there, but the fact that they had Parkay (which I haven't had in a really long time and made me happy in a way that only sweaty squeezable margarine that's been sitting out on the table all day can) made it all better.

But as my plate was sliding around on my cafeteria tray, I got kind of pissed at Dallas. Why aren't there more places like Vern's? Why aren't there more places around here where you can get a real meal—that would fill a human stomach and not just a hamster stomach—including a real drink for less than 10 bucks without having to go to a drive-through? It shouldn't be that hard. All I could have had at lunch from Stephan Pyles for less than $10 is a cloth napkin on my lap and a jackass waiter who calls tap water "House Water." At Steel I could have had no bites of the Traditional Vietnamese Beef Carpaccio (Bo Tai Chanh).


Vern's Place

So, screw perfectly clean floors. And screw sparkling or still. And screw hot hostesses (but, seriously, if you can screw one of these cleave-bearing ladies, you should. It can't be that hard to bag one of these chicks, right? I mean, it's her job to be hospitable). I'd much rather spend my money feeding on some Meat Plus 2 Veggies at a place like Vern's. I'm probably going to have to put my innards through some counseling before I can go back because of the massive amounts of Parkay that I consumed, but it was good, and it was cheap. (My innards claim that Parkay abused them. But I told them that's impossible. Parkay's a good margarine. My innards must have been asking for it.)

It was totally worth it.

Got a diner you love, but it would scare your mama? Let us know about it at

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