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Welcome To College: A 5-Course Meal in Your Microwave

Microwave on a bookshelf. Welcome to your new kitchen, Collegepants.
Microwave on a bookshelf. Welcome to your new kitchen, Collegepants.

Congratulations: You have a dorm room! Uncongratulations: the dorm cafeteria blows. (Except for the cereal bar-- ain't nothing wrong with a cereal bar.)

The next few years, if you're doing college right, you should be broke. Which means, at some point, you're going to get tired of eating the shitbombs in the cafeteria (The day I heard someone yell, "It's chicken rings day!" And then someone else yelled, "That's gross!" And then someone else yelled, "Fuck you, I love chicken rings! I look forward to chicken rings day!" That was the first day I used my dorm microwave) And when that day comes, you're going to have to use the kitchen in your dorm room, which probably consists of a microwave and a mini fridge.

So, let's make you a 5-course meal for that night. Because to us, a 5-course microwave meal sounds freaking awesome compared with stupid chicken rings.

Course 1: Olive Oil and Rosemary Popcorn (via Alaska From Scratch)

Fancy popcorn time, college beetches.
Fancy popcorn time, college beetches.

Ingredients:

1/4c unpopped popcorn, popped in brown paper bag (or just pop unsalted store-bought popcorn) 2T olive oil 1/2t garlic powder 1/2t rosemary 1/2t sea salt 1/4t pepper

Directions: Put popped popcorn in a large bowl, dummy. In a small bowl, mix together oil and seasonings until well combined. Drizzle over popcorn. Stir popcorn with your hands until popcorn is well coated. Taste for seasoning (add more salt as desired). Serve hot. (Obviously, if you don't like rosemary and olive oil, you can sprinkle other stuff on there. Try cayenne pepper. Or beer. We don't care, as long as your face is happy.)

Course 2: Tomato and Cucumber salad (via Food Network)

Microwave on zero setting for no minutes.
Microwave on zero setting for no minutes.

Don't like tomatoes and cucumbers? Find some vegetables. Chop them up. Call it a salad. You're done.

Ingredients 5 medium plum tomatoes, halved lengthwise, seeded, and thinly sliced 1/4 red onion, peeled, halved lengthwise, and thinly sliced 1 Kirby cucumber, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced A generous drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil, about 2 tablespoons 2 splashes red wine vinegar Coarse salt and black pepper

Directions: Dress the tomatoes, onions, and cucumber with olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt and pepper. Let stand while you prepare dinner, about 20 minutes. Re-toss and serve salad with crusty bread for mopping up juices and oil. Make "tossing salad" jokes. Put it in the microwave, close the door, push some buttons but never push "start." Wait a second, say "DING!" and then take it out of the microwave. De-lish.

Course 3: A pound of bacon. (via WikiHow)

Pretty sure this 5-course meal just turned into a 1-course meal.
Pretty sure this 5-course meal just turned into a 1-course meal.

Bacon! In the microwave! It's a college tradition. And it'll get rid of that musty roommate stank you've been complaining about. See instructions here.

Course 4: Hair Straightener Quesadillas (via northbynorthwestern.com) Oh our God, someone made quesadillas using a hair straightener. Obviously, you could use a microwave, but this is so much more impressive. I mean, gross. I mean impressive.

Why? Because you can.
Why? Because you can.

Here's the recipe.

Course 5: Coffee Mug Chocolate Cake (via Lucky Peach magazine)

Chocolate cake in a cup. Fuck yeah.
Chocolate cake in a cup. Fuck yeah.

Ingredients: 1 egg 3 Tbs Milk 3 Tbs Neutral Oil 3 Tbs Flour 4 Tbs Sugar 2 Tbs Cocoa Powder 3 Tbs Chocolate Chips Small Splash of Vanilla Extract Pinch of Salt 1 Small or Medium Coffee Mug (Microwave Safe)

Directions: Add wet ingredients (including egg) to a small or medium coffee mug and mix well. Add the dry ingredients and mix thoroughly. Add the chocolate chips and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug into 1,000-watt microwave for 2 minutes. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed. Allow to cool and tip onto plate if desired. EAT! Serves one.

We sincerely hope you get college laid for making this dinner for someone. Go [your college mascot]!


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