Yogilicious: Dessert for Lunch? Sure, Why Not?
Some people count yogurt as a meal. I call those people shartfaces. They say shit like, "It's good for you if you're trying to cut calories," and "It builds healthier skin!" Translation: "I'm so bulimic I just ate my own vomit and vomited it back up! I love being bloated-skinny!" I don't hate yogurt; I just won't waste an entire lunch on old milk. So, I ate a giant lunch, and then I went to Yogilicious, because let's be clear here: Frozen yogurt's a meal only for pussies. But pussies need cheap places to eat too. So, here goes.
When you walk into Yogilicious, I know you're expecting to be surrounded by a bunch of hot, shredded yogis. But you won't be. Instead, you'll find a self-serve frozen yogurt buffet. And much like a salad buffet, you pick a container, fill it and then they charge you by weight at the end of the line. Only, instead of gross vegetables and old-timey people and bad lighting, you get flavors like strawberry and cookies 'n' cream, and you get hip-hop music and free Rockband on a flat screen. Win. Get one flavor or go old-school-roller-skating-rink like I did and mix together all the flavors in one bucket and make yourself a Suicide. (Damn, I miss Josey Skate Land.) After you get your yogurt, tap your container on the counter to maximize topping space (a skill taught to me by a slightly manic-looking yogurt junkie just before she twitched-out all high on mochi, which is some weird-ass hippie marshmallow made from something more clear and gushy than whatever marshmallows are made of) and head to the toppings bar. Sure, there's fruit. More important, though, there are M&Ms. And yes, there are chunks of New York cheesecake.
Top wisely. Remember that you're being charged by the ounce. Adding strawberries is the yogurt bar rookie equivalent of forgetting to get your salad dressing on the side at a salad bar. Go with the strawberry syrup. Or better yet, the mini M&Ms. At 47 cents per ounce, play your toppings right and you can get a barf-ton of yogurt for less than 10 bucks. Make it the dessert to that free lunch your mom bought you in Uptown or go all-out pantywaist and call 20 ounces of peanut butter yogurt with New York cheesecake topping a healthy lunch.
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