Paige Skinner
Chip and Joanna Gaines recently quit their show, Fixer Upper, but they're still expanding their brand.

4 Pieces of Microfiction That Explain Chip and Joanna Gaines' New Target Line

This is not a drill. Chip and Joanna Gaines' Hearth and Hand with Magnolia line has officially arrived at Target. The Waco couple's line of home and kitchen decor, with a few random journals thrown in, is kind of hard for us to wrap our minds around. But we are trying.

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Morning Handsome Stoneware Mug, $5.99

"He's going to want me to say it again," Joanna says, under her breath. "What was that, Mommy?" one of the kids responds. "Nothing," Jo says as she takes a deep breath and makes her way to the kitchen.

She knows what's going to happen. It happens every morning. She makes a cup of coffee for her husband, sets it in front of him while he scrolls Twitter and begrudgingly says, "Morning, handsome."

If she doesn't, he will tell her to start all over again. She is tired of it. She needs a way out. "What if I simply made a coffee mug that said what I don't want to?" Her first product was conceived.

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Wooden Dollhouse with Furniture, $129.99

She can't stand the look of it. It's big and pink and gaudy. "Barbie's dream house? More like Barbie's nightmare house," she quips to herself. "Barbie should have better taste in homes."

"Emmy, sweetie," Joanna says to her daughter. "What if Barbie added some shiplap to her home? What do you think of that?"

Emmy shakes her head violently, but Joanna doesn't care. If her daughter is going to play with a dollhouse, it is going to be a Joanna Gaines Approved™ dollhouse. She begins working on the design while Chip heads out to chop down some trees for building supplies.

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Plaid Cooking Apron, $15.99

Joanna doesn't want Chip to have much say in this collection, but somehow he has weaseled his way into meetings and, through his charm and wit, persuaded the people in charge to attach his name and face to the line. Joanna isn't happy, but she's plastering a smile on her face.

"Jo, please let me design one thing for the line," Chip begs Jo every night before bed.

"OK, but please don't embarrass me," she responds, finally giving in.

"You know how you're always baking for me and the kids?" he says, trying to muster up the courage to reveal his idea. "Instead of not wearing an apron, why don't you wear a plaid apron? You know ... like a sexy schoolgirl?"

Joanna sighs. "OK, just this one thing."

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House Gift Wrap, $5.99

Wrapping presents for friends has become a chore for Joanna. Now that she is the belle of Waco's ball, she is constantly being invited to mixers, housewarming parties and holiday parties.

She hates the sight of flashy red and green wrapping paper. And the bows make her sick. "Why would someone give someone else a gift with such horrible wrapping paper?" she asks Chip.

"Shh," he says. "Go back to sleep."

But Joanna doesn't want to go back to sleep. She wants a solution. The solution that will make her the most money.

She immediately heads to the drawing board and designs a roll of wrapping paper that not only makes her happy but will remind everyone of what she does for a living. "Wrapping paper with homes as the design," she thinks to herself. "Brilliant. Simply brilliant."

Paige Skinner, music and culture editor, has written for the Dallas Observer since 2014.

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