Dear Romantics, I'd like to apologize in advance for this list of amore-rich dating ideas. You see, I'm an overextended writer who forgot what love was ages ago. My heart is actually made of diamond now, and not the naturally-occurring timelapsed compression of carbon that you're most familiar with -- that would have a certain charm to it. Mine is composed of that synthetically produced variety that scientists create in labs.
You know, the really sterile kind.
So when Valentine's Day rolls around, it's possible that I'm not Cupid's Ace Pick to guide you through all of the standard romantic gestures -- Edible Arrangements deliveries and his/her bearskin bathrobes -- but you know what? I'm all you got. And with that, here's ten freaky, weird and possibly sexy ways to get all seductual with your special someone -- or someones, if you roll like that.
1.) Romance Dinner Rodeo --Medieval Times tips its crown to young lovers on Thursday night with an AMAZING date package. For $99 you get a split of champagne and two commemorative glasses (smuggle in gin and you've got French 75s!), a commemorative scroll, a photo, some flags to cheer on your knight (the Green Knight is of questionable valor, I'd ask to be reseated), and TWO TRIPS TO THE DUNGEON!
Seriously, if things have been shaky in your relationship lately, this is the answer. The best way to make a lady feel like a princess is to take her on a date to a GIANT CASTLE. Make a reservation in advance; if last year is any indication, this night will sell out. Use the totally righteous telephone number 1-800-We-Joust.
2.) Race What Your Momma Gave You -- If you guys are rich, or just bonded over that movie Crash, why not up the adrenaline with an expensive car rental? Exotic Driving Experience has a Valentine's Day deal where you can rent one exotic car (Ferrari, Lamborghini, or other vehicles with pasta-like names), and then get a second rental at half-price.
Ladies: Maybe you could wear one of those pleather jumpsuits that zips up the front -- you know, like from the Charlie's Angels movies or those GoDaddy commercials. Dudes: Maybe you can wear one too. Because really, girls just want guys who can make them laugh. These rentals happen on the interior loop of Texas Motor Speedway and they range in price based on which car you pick.
3.) Bottle and a Bucket at Sissy's -- Here's the deal: only crazies want more than champagne and fried chicken for Valentine's Day. If you're dating one of said crazies, just break up with them. Hell, if you're dating someone who even suspects sexier things exist than combining fried chicken and champagne, break up with them.
Congratulations, you're free. See, you want what we all want: someone to share a 10 piece bucket and bottle of Moët with. Sissy's is providing the package deal, which will run you $75 (there are upgrades available, but you don't need them). Just bring someone you want to leave grease prints on later. Make a reservation, or you'll be substituting Amazingest Meal Ever with Chicken House and Ballatore. Call 214-827-9900 or hit up the website.
4.) Ditch That Tatt:Does your special someone have a tattoo of another special someone? Do you have unsexy ink that your lady has to look at when she gets all freaky with you? Is it a picture of a leprechaun riding a dolphin through a tribal rainbow? Been there. National Laser Institute is running a special.
You get your first five (you'll need 10 to 12 total) treatments for only $10 each. THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Seriously. Most women would rather see your dolphin/leprechaun banished from skinlandia than get some dumb chocolate any day -- you have no idea.
5.) Speak in Crazy Voices Together at The Princess Bride -- Wuv. Twu wuv. It's a timeless tale, focused on the insurmountable romance of Buttercup and Wesley, and it's screening in 35mm at ye ol' Texas Theatre.
It's charming! Adventurous! You will hold hands! But don't forget the coolest thing about this one-night-only screening -- Andre the Giant is in it, and he gets all of your valentines forever and ever. (For those who like their romance a little less defined, come earlier for the 6:30 p.m. screening of John Dies at the End.)
6.) Sign a Waiver -- My mom always said that it isn't Valentine's Day unless you see demons. Which brings us to Moxley Manor, the Metroplex's only haunted house catering to this special day of sexual tension. Will she cling to your arm for protection during the scary bits, or just associate your face with terror for the rest of her Earthly life? The only way to know is to go -- psyches are funny like that.
It runs through Saturday night, so you can go back with your bros tomorrow after you check your date into the trauma ward on Thursday. (Women. Am I right?) Tickets cost $15.
7. Go Old School With a Stoplight Party -- I don't fully understand a stoplight party -- I mean, the event's framework is, of course, clear enough. You hang onto a color-coded glow stick that announces your place on the commitment-o-meter. There's Red ("Stop, buddy! I'm in a relationship!"), Yellow ("Shrug:It's complicated") or Green ("I'm alone! And clinging to a glow stick on Valentine's Day!").
My real question is this: who arrives at this hook-up event with a red glow stick? Shouldn't they be doing something sexy somewhere else, rather than flashing their victorious love life in others' faces? Seems like a jerk move to me. Join the traffic jam at The Londoner on Greenville. The lights flip on at 7 p.m.
8.) Roses and Chocolate...Covered Bugs, at Texas Discovery Garden -- I like to think that this event exists simply because some people are rad, and they demand equally rad dates. The evening begins with a glass of champagne and a lecture on roses and rose bush care, because Texas gardeners know that Valentine's Day is when we prune. Don't mess that up; learn to coax growth in the right directions and to clip at a mildew-resistant angle with a good set of pruners.
Next, enjoy hors d'oeuvres, featuring chocolate-covered insects, and a cash bar in the Butterfly House. There, you'll also get an insect talk by totally baller Entomologist John Watts. He's going to tell you the ins and outs of how insects do the In-And-Out. Yep, bug sex. It's $50 per couple, or $35 for singles.
9.) Play With Fire -- This next idea requires that you keep an open mind: What are your thoughts on drinking and playing with blowtorches? I ask, because that is totally a thing you can do. Yep, it's called Flaming Cocktails! And at Flaming Cocktails you both 1.) Learn to make hot glass art together, and 2.) Get two cocktails a piece, which are lit on fire.
Dates often take my car keys away after I've had a couple drinks, and they've never, ever let me light anything on fire. If they did, I would probably (totally) sleep with them. By that logic, you should let your date light EVERYTHING on fire -- glass, cocktails, the emergency batch of "birthday fireworks" that you keep in your trunk -- all of it. This date happens at Vetro Glassblowing Studio in Grapevine and costs $135 per couple. Dolla dolla bills, indeed.
10. Look At The Nekkid Together -- If none of these suggestions are working for you, go straight to the skin. La Bare, the male dancer review show (and window shopping spot of choice for girls who go "Woo-o-ooo!"), is catering its programming to both of you for Valentine's Day. It's a Guys and Dolls party, where stupidly cut men and impossibly attractive women share the stage.
Now, I like this idea more than a gender-specific strip club, because it drops a reality bomb on each of you. No, neither of you have been to the gym lately, like these professional dancers. No, you have not waxed that spot in years. No, you would not have the attentive gaze of this onstage talent if you weren't holding erect dollar bills. You guys deserve one another. See that? It's like a love story.