Are you sad that the football season is done? I mean, besides the fact that you’re a Cowboys fan. These days, the words “Cowboys fans” and “lingering sorrow” are virtually synonymous.
Let's talk about the XFL or the “Extreme Football League,” a football league so extreme that they ignore vowels in their acronyms. (Yeah, fuck you, vowels, the foundations of our language.)
The second incarnation of the XFL literally kicks off this weekend, and Dallas is one of the eight cities with a team in the league.
A team that’s “extreme” should have equally extreme sounding names, and that’s why cities have teams with names like the LA Wildcats, the St. Louis Battlehawks and the Seattle Dragons. So what name will Dallas’ team use to strike fear into the hearts of its opponents? We’ve got the Dallas Renegades! Wait … the Renegades? Really? That’s the best they could do? That’s not the name of a scary football team.
“Renegades” is the name of a math camp team trying to escape the school bullies. “Renegades” is the name of an improv troupe of douchey bros. “Renegades” is the name of a brand of Lunchables for Wall Street day traders.
Dallas deserves something better. Dallas doesn’t just deserve a name that reflects its uniqueness. It also deserves a name that is truly extreme, a name that creates urine puddles of fear under the players who dare to oppose them on the field.
So, I’ve taken the liberty. Vince McMahon, you are free to use any of these, and by “free,” I mean after you pay me a billion dollars.
1. The Dallas Indicted
There’s only one thing scarier than a politician gone mad with power is a politician who’s gone mad with power and is facing an indictment — and it seems like we’ve got one on the books every other election cycle. So imagine someone with nothing to lose, INCLUDING their basic freedoms, on a football team. The damage they could potentially do to you, your family and your reputation could make a concussion feel like the complimentary neck message you get from your barber after every haircut.
Possible Mascots: Dennis the Defendant, Al the Accused, Former Dallas City Council Member Paul Fielding
2. The Dallas Cardiacs
When you think of Dallas, you think of Texas and when you think of Texas, you think of barbecue (unless you’re one of those uneducated folk who first think of “guns,” “livestock” or “people who yell ‘yeehaw’ in Starbucks”). When you’ve got the best food, that also means you’ve got the worst illnesses and there’s nothing more synonymous with barbecue than heart disease, the most American of diseases. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say heart disease is the leading cause of death in our state, so why not harness this harvester of souls for something meaningless for a change — like slightly professional football?
Possible Mascots: Sammy the Stent, Murray the Heart Murmur, An Undigested Bit of Beef Named “Beefy Bit”
3. The Dallas Drivers in Snowy Conditions
It may be a cliché but it’s true. When you drive in the winter in Dallas, you’re taking your life into your hands. You’re dealing with people who care less about living than they do about getting to Trader Joe’s before the 9 p.m. cutoff. Clearly, they don’t think about things like debilitating spinal injuries and torn ACLs. Put a helmet on that.
Possible Mascots: Mary The Mom Who Drives in Snow at the Same Speed Limit at She Does in the Summer, Harry the High Deductible
4. The Dallas Mary Kay Reps
They may be all over the country, but the epicenter of this mascara-powered Borg is right here. They may even be living next door to your right now just waiting to guilt trip you into attending one of their makeup parties that are really just a timeshare pitch. The biggest challenge for the other team would be getting out on the field. There’s nothing that produces more dread than the follow-up phone call asking if you meant to not put anything on your order form.
Possible Mascots: Lisa the Lipstick That Will Make You Think It Can Improve Your Personality (Spoiler Alert! It Can’t), Gary the Guilt Trip
5. The Dallas Toll Roads
Remember those things we paid for that were supposed to make traffic faster but we’re still paying for while still sitting in traffic day in and day out every morning and evening? That’s an ideal concept for a team, or at least for our defensive line. They’ll not only keep you from moving forward and at a leisurely pace, they’ll send you a bill in the mail for all the times you tried to cross them.
Possible Mascots: Terrance the Terribly Debt Riddled Tollway, Cory the Construction That Never Ends, Darryl the Driver Who Yells at Waze
6. The Dallas Drunks on Motorized Scooters
This motorized scooter menace is by no means limited to our city but we were among the first to unleash this transportation hell beast on the nation. Something that can easily knock people to the ground and give them immobilizing injuries while driving up their insurance premiums sounds like one of the scariest opponents I’ll ever encounter.
Possible Mascots: Harry the Hipster Who Has to Get to Urban Outfitters by Sundown, Danny the Drunk Scooter Rider Who Brings His Own Cup Holder
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7. The Dallas Gentrified
I remember the first time I saw a Wing Bucket on Main Street in Deep Ellum. My heart sank in the corners of my chest cavity like an octopus evading a predator. One of the most culturally significant neighborhoods in the city that made Dallas a sought after musical community finally fell to corporate invaders. Now it’s coming for your quarterback.
Possible Mascots: Paul the Piano Bar Chain, Ray the Resident Who Just Gave Up, Sammy the Subway That’s Just There for Some Reason
8. The Dallas Pink Hummers
Nothing makes the oatmeal rise in my esophagus like one of those gas sucking, carbon spewing symbols of over-indulged, attention seeking citizens. I nearly had a brain aneurysm when I saw one with a Mary Kay sticker on it. Not even Vince Lombardi would be able to focus on an opposing team long enough for fear that it could be giving into the drivers’ unconscious psychological demands.
Possible Mascots: Donna the Driver Who Only Says “Bless Your Heart,” Paris the Person Who Thinks You’re Supposed to Park On Top of Parking Lot Lines
9. The Dallas Lease Agreements
If you live in an apartment in Dallas, you already know why this sounds scary and foreboding. There's nothing more frightening than signing a piece of paper that can instantly put you in thousands of dollars in debt if you break it. It's easy for a team's doctor to fix a man's broken arm or a busted rib but how on earth would they repair a broken lease? Think about it.
Possible Mascots: Slinky the Squatter, Goober the Garbage Can the Complex Makes You Pat For Whether You Want Trash Pickup or Not, Larry the Liberal Arts Major With Three Maxed Out Credit Cards
10. The Dallas Jerry Joneses
Seeing one Jerry Jones anywhere near a football field is frightening enough. Now imagine a whole team of them. Look what he did to his team. Just imagine what he’ll do to yours.
Possible Mascots: Steve the Superego, Umberto the Unemployed Quarterback