1. Quit your job. Reality TV stars don't do real work. Sleep late, go to the gym and shop. For fake career cred "create" a hideous fashion line or put your name on novels you didn't write. But work? Pla-zeeze.
2. If you're a woman over 40, grow your hair extra long. All Real Housewives have manes as thick and shiny as Trigger's. Stand in front of a mirror for many hours to perfect the haughty reality villainess hair flip. Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Kyle Richards should be your role model. Kyle, by the way, has just announced she's developing a line of hair-care products. Of course she is.
3. Mortgage your house to afford new lips and boobs. Shoot up your face with pig poison and chemically inflate your lips to the point where you can no longer pronounce words that start with "b," "m" or "p." If you are a man, get an eyelid lift, hair plugs and a yachtsman's hand tan.
4. Live like you're rich, even if you're in bankruptcy. That's what Real Housewives do coast to coast. Those bill collectors will get their Manolos only out of your cold dead hands.
5. Send your kids to boarding school. You don't have time for children if you're living in a reality show world. Children merely remind viewers of what your real nose and ugly first husband/wife looked like. Ditch 'em.
6. Cry on cue. The best cryer in reality TV is former child star Kim Richards, a sad little drunky whose fiancé was murdered by mobsters and whose sister Kyle has a better life and better hair. Just look at Kim and you'll start crying. [See opening image.]
7. Turn off the editor in your head. Say everything you think, like Ramona Singer on Real Housewives of New York. Narrate your life even when you're alone. (And you're never really alone with a camera crew around, remember.)