Arts & Culture News

40 Things You Should Never Say to Your Bartender

Leave this poor man alone.
Leave this poor man alone. Kathy Tran
It’s not a stretch of the imagination to consider that the Dallas service industry holds the heart and soul of the city. They keep hot nights cool, bellies warm and work weeks manageable. They provide much-needed relief from bad traffic days, skyrocketing rent prices and an escape from jobs we love complaining about. These unsung heroes take a lot of unnecessary knocks and hear it all from us. They know our dating lives intimately, all of our family drama, and our greatest triumphs and regrets. They also know our pet’s name, about that one jerk from work we talk about incessantly and the band we had in high school that was “so close to making it.”

They really are part-time bartenders and full-time therapists, who still manage to remember our favorite Tuesday night refreshment. Tyler Durden said it best in Chuck Palahniuk’s 1996 novel Fight Club, referring to his merry band of service industry vigilantes:

“We cook your meals. We haul your trash. We connect your calls. We drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us.”

That being said, here are 40 things you should never say to your bartender.

1. "I’m on mushrooms right now."

2. "Do you know where I can find blow?"

3. "What’s your real job?"

4. "Excuse me, cashier ..."

5. "So what do you really want to do with your life?"

6. "Ever heard of Charles Bukowski?"

7. "You only work four days a week? How do you make money?"

8. "What specials do you have, besides beer and liquor?"

9. "Can I make a request for the music?"

10. "Do you speak English?"

11. "Do you have a bathroom here?" ( No, we poop on the floor.)

12. *Whistling, pointing or snapping fingers to get attention*... (This isn’t a spaghetti Western.)

13. "Where’s the after-party?"

14. "Do you guys have White Claw?"

15. "Have you ever had a White Claw?"

16. "Hey, so ... is White Claw good or something? I mean ... I heard about it ... you know ... from a friend ..."

17. "What’s in that colorful can? No, I don’t want to order one, but can I take a picture of it?"

18. "Do you want to know something I won’t even tell my doctor?"

19. "Is it true there’s a mechanical bull here? And do you guys have insurance?"

20. "Can you charge my phone for me?"

21. (5 min. later ...) "Can you check my phone for me?"

22. "What’s the cheapest thing you’ve got here?" ( Apparently you, sir ... besides water.)

23. "I, like, want something sweet, but like, not too sweet ... or too girly ...You know?"

24. "Hey, you better make it a strong one, pal."

25. (When asked for ID) "I’m old enough to be your dad!"

26. "Is this a good enough tip?"

27. "Wait, my friend has my card, I’ll be right back."

28. "So like ... what’s your favorite drink to make?"

29. "Can you get me backstage?"

30. "I want a Moscow Mule. Do you know how to make that?"

31. "I’m wasted! It’s OK, though, because I’m still walking ... Give me another one!"

32. "You can’t cut me off, I’m Uber-ing home."

33. "But I’m friends with the owner."

34. "Do you guys do any specials for like ... birthdays?"

35. "OK, but do you know who my dad is?"

36. "Hey, I’m just trying to help you pay your rent buddy, make it a double."

37. "You know ... I’ve always had a thing for you."

38. "I just signed divorce papers."

39. "It’s like ... so dead in here."

40. "Is it weird that my fantasies involve a penguin costume? ( 5 shots in) What time do you get off?" 
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