A Modest Proposal to Save Valley View Mall, Starting with a Bounce-House Bar for Adults

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Whoa, Valley View Mall. What happened? When I was a kid, you were the awesome mall. You had the best Gadzooks and a kickass Foley's, and I had my first Thirsty's at you. We would always hang out at Valley View Mall. But I was in you the other night (I hear it, and I don't care), and things are rough with a capital Fucked Up.

If I got a gift card to Valley View Mall for a friend today, that would be considered the most highly hilarious joke gift of the century. "Don't spend it all at Image Shots, the knock-off Glamour Shots!" That's really a storefront listed on the current directory. Other winners on the directory list online: Charley's Steakery, Browz A Round and Dr. Pham (FYI, not a gynecologist. An optician.).

In April 2012, Beck Ventures announced they're redeveloping Valley View Mall. They say they're going to create a $2 billion mixed-use development, which they'll call Dallas Midtown, because Big Big Bigass Stores Place, Not The Galleria, We Promise It's Not Shitty Anymore, The Part of Dallas Where Everything Goes to Die Except Target & Chili's, and Klyde Warren Mall were already taken.

See also: What Downtown Dallas Really Needs Is More Hooker-ish Rainbow Light Shows

They say Dallas Midtown will offer retail storefronts, restaurants, residential units, office towers and a high-rise hotel. But that's a buncha crap Dallas already has. Times 12. As a concerned citizen, I took it upon myself to conduct a thorough public opinion poll (sample size: me; margin of error +/-1), and everyone agreed that instead of brand new chain restaurants and shops, Dallas Midtown desperately needs these items:

1. Adults-Only Bounce House Bar: Finally, a place drunks can break their faces that can also be sanitized in a snap!

2. Edible Antique Furniture Store: All the edible antique furniture you can eat!

3. Will It Blend BYOSmoothie Shop Extreme: You bring it, we smoothie it, you drink that smoothie. Blenders range from normal-sized to king-size-bed-sized. You have to drink all that shit if you make it, though. No go-cups.

4. Have you ever heard of a 24-hour day spa/car spa that has round-the-clock babysitters available? No, because you fuckers have been too busy building stupid hotels. This will be better. Let's get it.

5. Mini-Golf Dog Park Graveyard. (Self-explanatory.)

All right team, let's stop building the same retail shops and shitty condos over and over again and calling them "mixed-use developments." Good talk.

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