Alice Column

A Pregnant Lady's Etiquette Tips for Pregnants

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Dallas alerted me that this week is National Etiquette Week. Apparently people have been celebrating this since 1997, which must be when shit started to hit the fan, politeness-wise. Makes sense. Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" was No. 15 on the Billboard Hot 100 that year and everyone knows she's the worst etiquetter ever. (And a liar. Never trust anyone who tells you she's "a goddess on her knees.")

This in mind, here are some helpful etiquette tips to pregnant bitches from a pregnant bitch. (Mad I called you a bitch? Practice these skills for a week and I'll call you a lady.)

At Work as a Pregnant When a coworker coos and touches your belly without asking, they're not inappropriately touching you at work -- they're being sweet. In response, politely grab your coworker's boobs (female or male) and mimic their happy coo.

At the Grocery Store Checkout Line as a Pregnant When a clerk at Central Market asks you if "it's a boy or a girl," pretend that you're not pregnant. A proper polite response could be, "I'm a girl?" or "What are you talking about?" If they follow up with more questions about your pregnancy, blame "Competitive eating of tacos and chugging of beers" and leave the store crying. This is the lesson that every grocery store clerk should learn: You don't ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can see a baby coming out of her body.

Around Another Pregnant as a Pregnant Primal scream, bump bellies, high 10.

Visiting a Strip Club as a Pregnant If you're in your third trimester, proper etiquette says you absolutely must get on that stage. Avoid upside-downs, but twerking should be fine. The pole can be a nice safety assist as you crouch to pick up dollar bills.

At a Restaurant as a Pregnant Sure, you have dietary restrictions. But so does the rest of the world these days. Don't complain about the menu ("I'm going to barf this up immediately. How can you not know which entrée is better the second time?), or try to get special treatment ("Can I get this without the listeria?"). It comes off as annoying and will likely lead the gluten-free vegan at your table to dive into a lecture about going Paleo.

Pregnants, for once, try to be polite this week. You can use the other 39 to complain about your impending coot blowout and to make people open doors for you even though you're totally capable of doing that shit yourself.

See also: My Lady Parts and I Have a Few Questions for the Makers of Bic For Her Pens

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade