Happy hump day. It is Wednesday. The third episode of season 4 of The Real Housewives of Dallas airs tonight. Isn't that exciting? Have you seen the first two episodes yet? A bunch of white women get mad at one another and they drink and do funny stuff. Oh, man. It is a treat. If you haven't seen it because you have a job or kids or other things to do, then here is this guide, where we have numbered all the important things you have missed. It's crazy. Gosh, you will just have to read it to believe it. Trust us.
What you missed in the first two episodes of season 4 of RHOD:
1. LeeAnne Locken is getting back to her roots. She was born a blonde! So now her hair is blonde! Cool!
2. D'Andra Simmons' skincare company that her mother gave her is in a shambles. Once the company stopped doing Christian infomercials, they started losing money. They have 90 days to make money or close the doors. Jesus, take the wheel, is what we say!
3. Brandi Redmond's daughter Brooklyn is mean! She skipped the tween years and now she's a full-blown teenager with a 'tude! Wow, if there was The Real Teenagers of Dallas, she would be perfect.
4. Travis Hollman, Stephanie's husband, is going through a midlife crisis. And he's man-scaping! So cool!
5. There's a new housewife and her name is Kary Brittingham. She is from Mexico. She is on her second marriage. Marriage is the hardest thing she's ever done. That is riveting.
6. D'Andra and LeeAnne are still trying to make up. LeeAnne is mad because D'Andra said LeeAnne's fiancé, Rich, is cheating on her. D'Andra is mad because LeeAnne told people D'Andra only has $200 in her bank account. I am mad because this is the second time I've watched this episode for this article.
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But then it gets worse. After the season 3 reunion, Rich sent a text to Jeremy, D'Andra's husband, saying he was going to out Jeremy for having an affair with a woman named Jessica! D'Andra says there is no Jessica or Diane or Julie or anyone. But if there is a Jessica, my DMs are wide open.
7. Brandi and LeeAnne are friends again. They reconnected at a mutual friend's baby shower because nothing brings old enemies together like eating chocolate out of a diaper.
8. D'Andra turned 50. For her birthday party, she hosted a roast of herself. Friends roasted her by calling the crowd dead and saying she has no class and saying she's a sugar mama for her husband. Burn! And then LeeAnne shows up and gives D'Andra candles. Oooo, burn!
That's it. That's the show. Watch! Or don't. We don't care.