Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
The city of Dallas is considering a plan to spend $40 million on building "family aquatic centers." In the current plan, these mini water parks would include standard pools but also stuff like water slides, play features for kids and maybe even lazy rivers.
If we're spending millions of dollars on this renovation of Dallas' water stuff, let's make sure we do it right. Here is my proposal for things that these new family aquatic centers should absolutely, without question, include:
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1. Exclusively Up-The-Butt water features Kids love spraying water up their butts. They see an innocent fountain of water coming up from the ground and all they think is, "That's going in me." The last time I was at a sprayground, I saw a boy drop his pants to really give that butt fountain 110 percent. No money needs to be spent on a slide. I'm telling you. Just butt stuff.
2. Cabana boys Pedicures and mimosas for a nominal fee. And they bring snacks and water to your kids. No-brainer.
3. Medical tent Because kids are always broken. They have sunscreen and mosquito spray and diapers available for purchase.
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4. Actual restrooms No more of this port-o-potty crap. Yeah, I'm talking to you White Rock Trail sprayground. It's way too hard to get a soaking-wet toddler to hover without accidentally dropping her into The Great Community-Poop Beyond.
5. Water that's 99 percent chlorine Whether kids go with the classic cannonball into a pool, or, more creatively, with musical butt chairs from fountain to fountain, water is inevitably going into butts and then out of butts and then being recycled and shot into umpteen more butts and baby mouths. At the end of the day, the butt water is all over your adult hands.
And don't pretend you're protecting anyone from baby dumps with those swim diapers. Swim diapers do nothing. Swim diapers completely let the pee out so that the diaper doesn't swell like a normal diaper (great?), but then they claim to contain a poop situation. Bullshit. Mine eyes have burned at the sight of some unspeakable things oozing out of swim diapers. "Seriously, did that kid eat level 20 spicy basil rice at Bangkok City before they brought her here? That's not even the right color. It's thicker than water, thinner than a Frosty, but that's being generous OH RIGHT GET MY KID OUT OF HERE."
We need that water to be beyond chlorinated. Sure, it might sting the eyes, but we're saving ourselves from a baby herpes zombie outbreak. So slap on some goggles and sack the hell up, infants. Fancier water parks would be great. But, if we're rebuilding, let's try to rebuild with maybe 10 percent less poop-water involved, all right? (Plus the cabana boys.)