Carly Waddell, seven episodes deep, lost her battle to reality TV Monday night in Des Moines, Iowa.
Cruise ship singer/Arlington native Carly Waddell entered The Bachelor world Jan. 5 wearing a pink frilly dress and singing a made-up song into a Barbie karaoke machine to try and impress Prince Farming. She spent most of her time making friends and enemies with other contestants and not actually dating the Bachelor. However, there was that time she went on the worst date of her life and told Bachelor Chris about all of her insecurities, but then ultimately ratted on another girl.
Even though she spent a total of 19 minutes with Chris, she managed to collect roses throughout her journey. Sadly, they weren't enough. While they will look nice wilted and pressed in a book, that's simply not enough in Bachelor world. That's because there was that one time Carly told Chris that Britt was a straight-up liar, who was lying to his actual face about living in Iowa, she was practically on her deathbed. And that deathbed is not the same as a lovebed in the fantasy suite. It's actually a lot different. Because if there's one thing we can all learn from The Bachelor, it's that the man in charge hates honest bitches. And Carly was the most honest bitch in the land of drunken bitches and because of that, her legacy will live on. You know, for a couple of hours and then we will forget about her until she writes a book about everything we literally already know.
She is survived by Jade The Playboy Model, Kaitlyn Plow My Field Girl, Overly-Eager Whitney, and Becca Britney Spears, as well as Prince Farming himself, who will find love with someone else and then proceed to brag about it in front of Carly and the rest of America for the next two months.
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Her final moments were spent crying ugly tears to producers in a limo wondering why bad things happen to women who place sixth on a reality dating show.
But she is in a better place. Carly's afterlife will be spent inside the pages of US Weekly, on a dozen and one Bachelor reunion shows, or with two-time Bachelor Brad Womack, trying to create their own love story.
She is preceded in death by a million other unnamed white, wine-wasted women who The Bachelor didn't like enough to fork over his big, beautiful rose. Carly's heart is broken. It is literally broken and the chances of her being able to physically go on aren't great. It's not that Chris was the love of her life -- it's just that getting rejected on national TV is humiliatingly painful.
Carly, you are gone but not forgotten. Well you know, until another Dallas girl does all the same things next season. Services will be at the Women Tell All special in a few weeks. Donations can be made to her future book she hasn't written yet or her inevitable cruise ship singing shows.