Even though Texas experienced a record-high 58 deaths because of coronavirus on May 14, Gov. Greg Abbott thinks it's a good idea to start reopening the state. If willing, bars can open to limited capacity starting Friday. And even though it's only been two months since we've socialized inside a bar, there are probably some things we've forgotten how to do. Luckily, we're here to help prepare you. Take notes.
Remember to ditch the dog voice
There's a good chance you've spent the last two months quarantined with your dog and only speaking to them. If this is true, then anytime you talk you probably find yourself using your high-pitched dog voice to let him know he's "the cutest boy in the whole wide world" or possibly ask her if she wants to "go ousside and poddy like a big gurl." Unfortunately, if you speak this way to other humans, they will talk about you behind your back, so it's best to ditch the dog voice if you want to be taken seriously. Before you head to a bar this Friday, practice saying things in your big girl or boy or non-binary voice. Repeat after me: "I would like a margarita on the rocks, please and thank you." No need to get close to the bartender's face and kiss him or her on the nose while you ask. Trust me, they don't like that.
It's been two months since you busted a move on the dance floor and wowed every SMU frat boy in Deep Ellum. Surprisingly, it won't be so easy to remember those moves. Is it shake and grind or grind and shake and do you bust it down low at the beat drop or wait until that fray guy is making eye contact with you? You see, you already forgot. This is why you need to turn on the music right now in your home and start practicing. "Footloose" is always a good option to practice to, or if you really want to be hip, log on to the ol' TikTok app and see what Charli D'Amelio is dancing and grooving to. Those SMU boys won't know what's coming.
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Rehearse some ice-breaker questions
Everyone has been doing the exact same thing for the last two months, so there is nothing to talk about. "What have you been doing?" you might think to ask the cutie at the pool table. "Watching Tiger King over and over again," your new bar crush will tell you. That is boring, and we're done talking about Tiger King. So you will need good ice-breaker questions to ask strangers in the bar come Friday. Try: "What's the last thing that made you cry?" and "Do you think this virus is going to kill us all?" and "Do you think we're all dead and this is just a nightmare?"
Start stretching out your jeans now
We all have lived in leggings and sweatpants for the past
God-I've-lost-count 60-something days and that has led us to forget that our jeans might not fit once it's time to put them on. If you're smart, go ahead and try them on tonight to see if they can be worn by Friday. If not, do that trick where you use a shoelace to loop around the button and tie around one of the belt loops. Wear a long shirt so no one will notice and then as soon as you get home, put on your sweatpants with "PINK" written on the ass and call it a night. At least you tried.
Zoom calls are different than IRL conversations. On Zoom, you can pretend your screen is frozen and you can mute yourself so you can audibly sigh while your boss is talking. In real life, you have to act engaged when someone is talking. I don't know if you remember, but people are duds, and they're boring, and even though you want to go to a bar on Friday and look hot and talk to a hot man who is a stranger, there is a good chance that hot stranger will tell you he tried comedy once and his favorite director is Quentin Tarantino. You cannot roll your eyes when he says this! Again, trust me. You have to smile and nod if you want him to buy you a drink. Do you understand? If you roll your eyes, he will storm off and tell all of his bros what a bitch you are and how you don't understand classic cinema. Then all his bros will look over at you and then you will have to ask all your friends to leave the bar with you because strange men are being mean to you. Then your friends will be mad because Rebecca just started a tab. Then you'll have to buy Rebecca a new drink at the new bar. And then you will have to console Rebecca once she sees her ex at the new bar. Then the night will end and it will be ruined and it will all be your fault. Have I made myself clear? Don't do any of that. Instead, when he brings up Tarantino, just nod and smile. Do it a few times in the mirror. Practice that after you practice dancing and talking. Do not mess this up.