Comedy

Things Chip and Joanna Gaines Should Put Their Brand on Now That Fixer Upper Is Done

The world is their oyster. But we have some ideas.
The world is their oyster. But we have some ideas. courtesy HGTV
Fixer Upper aired its last episode Tuesday night on HGTV, and everyone was sad. People love TV shows about couples renovating homes together, and when they are denied the privilege of watching them, they become really sad.

But there is no need to be sad. Chip and Joanna Gaines, the adorably Christian couple behind the megapopular show, are only two hours away. Plus, they still have approximately 3,764 businesses and business partnerships to worry about (store, restaurant, books, Target line, Pier One line, cupcakes, gardens, goats, kids).

But who knows if all those business will earn them enough money to take care of their four (one on the way!) five children. We have some suggestions on the things the Gaineses should invest in.
  • Chip and Joanna make a silo-shaped cereal.
  • Chip and Joanna make a porno: Chip's Lap.
  • Chip and Joanna make a lube that boosts fertility.
  • Chip and Joanna make a new Baptist church, which may or may not allow gay people.
  • Chip and Joanna fix up the charred ruins of the Branch Davidian cult compound and discover a succulent mini-wreath.
  • Chip and Joanna fix up the entrance to David Koresh's bedroom, and it's so now.

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Paige Skinner has written for the Dallas Observer since 2014.
Contact: Paige Skinner