I admit it: I have a serious boner for The Price Is Right. I can't wait until I'm a senior citizen and my love for this show is finally age-appropriate. In case you haven't seen The Price Is Right (probably because you're under 75 years of age or have never had a very serious cold or your tonsils removed), I give you this play by play of every glorious episode ever, from start to finish:
Open on the Price Is Right theme song playing. Backstage, Drew Carey (aka New Bob Barker) snorts Ensure off of the tits of a Barker's Beauty. The pricetag-nametagged live audience screams. Several people "come on down" to bid on a watch. A man in a neon green shirt that reads, "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets" wins and is invited to play Cliffhanger. After this commercial.
ANNOUNCER: Did your entire butthole fall out of you that one time while you were pooping because you're super old? Is getting to the shitter much more difficult now that you've got absolutely no butthole? Talk to your doctor about your butt. Turns out, you need it.
Aaaaand we're back. The Sad Horn boop-boop-ba-doooos as the guy loses Cliffhanger. Next, an old lady plays PLiNKO for a chance to win $50,000. The Price Is Right has gone decades without being required to make PLiNKO wheelchair accessible, but every time an old lady climbs that rickety-ass staircase, we all know that shit is not up to code. We hope she wins thousands of dollars so that she can afford the motorized stair chair she'll need to help her get down the crappy PLiNKO staircase. Commercial.
ANNOUNCER: Are you mad at time? If time has treated you like shit, call Brian Loncar. Or, if you can't remember how phones work, just yell "Jim Adler" until Jim Adler shows up like Beetlejuice.
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Old Lady struggles to spin the wheel all the way around because it's fucking heavy. The Heavy-Ass Price Is Right Wheel is the great playing-field-even-er -- it's the only thing keeping all the episodes from ending with only old ladies in the Showcase Showdown. One Young and one Old will battle it out in the Showcase Showdown. After this.
ANNOUNCER: Sometimes you forget you have eight cats, amiright? For, like -- weeks. Now, thanks to Life Alert For Cats, you don't have to remember to feel bad about it. Life Alert For Cats safely velcros to the inside pocket of your cat's smoking jacket. When he needs food, drink, or if his cat box needs a refresh, he simply speaks into the microphone, and within seven business days, a cat sitter will respond. Life Alert For Cats: Because who the fuck can remember anything?
The Young wins "A NEEEW CAR!" Everyone is joyous. Except for The Old, who overbid because she thinks it's still 1945.
The Price Is Right is everything.