After last week's uneven, unintentionally comical premiere ("I never SENT you an EEEEEE-MAIL."), TNT's re-launch of Dallas hit a gusher on Wednesday (isn't that what the oil people say when they do well?). J.R. Ewing, like, TOOK-OVER took over.
Asses were kicked, names taken, delicious one-liners uttered. He began his epic re-emergence by holding a straight razor to pretty-boy John Ross' face, threateningly, as if he'd just taken a shaving lesson from Celie in The Color Purple. Once he groomed some sense into Sonny Boy and guided him away from planned triple-crossing tomfoolery, he continued his codger's quest to gain back control of Southfork. Fueled by red Jello and a newfound lust for life, J.R. concocted a plan that allowed him to move into the family home with Bobby and gun-toting wifey, Ann. He and Jo-Ro then used some old documents and deception to convince Bobby to go through with the sale of the ranch to a "conservancy" that's actually in cahoots with Lord J.R. The best part? The scary-looking leader of the conservancy is played by Tony Almeida from 24! Carlos Bernard is not to be fucked wit'! I was so excited about the Ton-man, that I failed to mention the return of yet another shady Dallas old-timer. Ken Kercheval is back slinking around the scenery as Cliff Barnes, giving ol' J.R. a proper nemesis. Shit's getting good.
Real Housewives of Orange County - I'd lie and say that I only watch it for your benefit, but there's no hiding, here. The O.C. housewives are my homegirls. Well, most of 'em. I enjoy tell-it-like-it-is Tamra, schoolmarmy brunette Heather, and ridiculous-outfit-wearing Gretchen. Vicki and Alexis? Both generally pills, but at least they're occasionally batshit. Part 1 of the finale aired this week; its climactic moment centered on a drunken side-character prematurely eating a piece of a fondant bow off Heather's naming-party cake. From the reactions, you'd think a baby had been drop-kicked into the beautifully accessible coastline. Part 2 and weeks of finale action remain. Bravo-ISSIMO!
The Glass House - Shameful how far ABC fell in its attempt to steal some of CBS's Big Brother summer swag. Its own strangers-with-cameras series debuted this week to collective vomit sounds. When you have to pin all your ratings hopes on a douche-nozzle Highland Park grad who bullies female castmates about their weight, you need to rethink your entire life.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
True Blood -Maybe Sookie is the angel of death. I mean, how many bodies have to be Pine-Sol'd off that kitchen floor before everyone she's ever known decides to move to another parish? But that's my misguided attempt to apply real-life logic to a highly illogical TV realm. In real life, a baby vampire with half her brain rendered useless would never be able to form thoughts, much less words of righteous anger. And, in real life, boring-ass werewolves and boring-ass shape shifters would never get that much screen time. Save us, Reverend Steve Newlin, save us all.