If you didn't see Bachelor in Paradise last night, what's it like to be you? It must be nice to have better things to do with your Monday night. '
Unlike perfect, intellectual you, I spent my Monday watching The Bachelor spinoff, where Bachelor and Bachelorette
losers castoffs go to Mexico to find love. Last night's episode was particularly special because Dallas-native and Trophy Room bartender Ben Scott left the show because it was revealed* he had a girlfriend back home.
*Revealed is not the right word...Marcus, another Dallas-native, went through Ben's backpack and found a love letter from his Dallas girlfriend.** **Check out this picture. She's really pretty. Why was he on this show in the first place.
Marcus and Marquel decide to confront him. Rumors spread through the beach -- probably like STDs spread through the cast -- and soon the entire cast knows about Ben's dirty little secret.
How dare Ben not take this show seriously? The women of the show are really upset because another man could have been in Ben's spot to blow their skirts or float their boats or whatever love does to women. I mean they're upset. Some are crying.
"Is anybody here for love?" Clare asks, we're assuming rhetorically.
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"You should go," said a woman who goes by Michelle Money.
Michelle Money was probably the most upset to learn about this entire thing. She ugly-cried and mumbled something about how she left her 9-year-old daughter to come on the show. We couldn't really understand what that had to do with anything -or how she justified that. Or where exactly her kid is - so we aren't sure if that had any effect on Ben.
We're going to unofficially name Ben the real winner of this show because he's free and according to Instagram, planning to open a new Uptown bar.
But here are some final words to think about and possibly live by, said by Elise: "It's not always sunny outside paradise."