The Dallas Men We Wish Were Our Fathers (and Those Who Should Keep Wearing Condoms)

Whether you’ve mapped out an extensive breakfast feast or you’re waiting for a last-minute Amazon delivery, Father’s Day 2021 is the perfect opportunity to treat our dads. Seriously. You only have to do it once a year.

Maybe get outside for a change. Dallas is thriving with opportunities to treat your dads to more than stale coffee and another viewing of Saving Private Ryan on your couch. Concert season is in full swing, we can eat inside restaurants again and some of the most exciting summer movies star your favorite local actors. Hell, we even have a The Simpsons-themed bar where your dad can try out his Mr. Burns impression.

If you’ve got a shaky relationship with your old man, however, remember that not every Texas dad deserves a clean break — Sen. Ted Cruz being the best example. Maybe don’t take your children on vacation during a deadly winter storm and power outage? Or did that make a good dad, but a lousy senator?

Dallas has its fair share of clearly great dads, though. Take native Meat Loaf, for example. The famed musician and actor managed to keep up coaching kids soccer well after Bat Out Of Hell and The Rocky Horror Picture Show made him a household name.

We’ve taken a close look at some Dallas men who are well-suited for paternal responsibilities and a few who should steer clear entirely.

Dad-in-the-Making: Steven Garza
Look, the 17-year-old-star of the hit documentary Boys State has the soft-spoken tenor and mature worldview that prepare him for political office, but we think that in a few years he’d be a great dad, too. If he wants to be.

Best To Stay Childless: The Dallas Surgeon From Borat Subsequent Moviefilm
Dallas-based plastic surgeon Dr. Charles Wallace got outed as a creep in the Oscar-nominated comedy sequel when he admitted to Sacha Baron Cohen that he’d be willing to make pretty much any adjustments necessary to make Borat’s daughter Tutar more “appealing” to men. Here’s a guy you just want away from children in general.

Dad-in-the-Making: The Six Flags Old Man
Anyone who can make it to this guy’s advancing age and still dance with youthful energy is poised to meet the challenges of late-night wakeups and coaching little league practices

Best To Stay Childless: Don Huffines
If there’s anyone we don’t want passing on his personality to another generation, then it’s probably the prospective governor who doesn’t think Greg Abbott is conservative enough.

Gladly a Dad: Mark Cuban
Mark Cuban has a couple of kids already, and we’re betting that they score the all-time “Take Your Dad To School Day.”

Unfortunately Also a Dad: Dr. Phil
The world’s greatest purveyor of bullshit already has some offspring out there, and that’s something we’re all just going to have to live with.

Dad-in-the-Making: Barney
You may not have known that the purple dinosaur that’s been annoying dads for years was actually first created in Dallas. It’s time for Barney to start raising his own kids and stop infecting ours with his annoying songs.

Best To Stay Childless: The Dallas QAnon Convention Attendees
Look, if these raging conspiracy theorists don’t trust doctors, hospitals or cellphones, then how are they going to get through child delivery? They probably don’t trust adoption agencies either because they’re part of “the scheme.”

Dad-in-the-Making: Robocop
This honorary Dallasite should have no issues trying to set up the family internet connection. Can androids reproduce? That’s a discussion for Robocop 4 to answer.

Best To Stay Childless: Beavis and Butthead
If these two idiots (confirmed by creator Mike Judge to be Dallasites) ever manage to get laid, then we’re hoping they don’t bring their “fire is fun” attitude to raising an infant.