There's a new internet dating study that ranks U.S. cities in order of superficiality. In effort to determine whose rivers flow most shallowly, the site, whatsyourprice.com, weighed the amount of time each area's singles spend hovering over individual dating profiles before clicking ahead. According to it, Dallas singles are fairly vapid, coming in at 10th place. Houston's are worse, repping a strong third.
The numbers were culled from Google Analytics and paired with geographical information, then ranked. The idea here is that Salt Lake City singles -- who spend 7.2 seconds per page -- are only concerned with physical appearance, while someone who lurks for 36 seconds is a deep soul who reads French poetry. In Dallas, we blow 13.7 seconds per profile.
How Portland, Oregon pulled second place (7.7 seconds) while Dallas trails eight spots behind is beyond me. We go to tanning beds IN THE SUMMER. Shallow is our turf. Step off, other metropolitan statistical areas.
To fully understand our low placement, it helps to look at the website that created it. WhatsYourPrice.com is classified as an "auction dating site," where beautiful women and men with money unite. But don't confuse it for an escort site; this sternly posed lady graphic makes the distinction quite clear.
Here's its pitch: A beautiful woman is buried under emails by potential suitors. You, the misunderstood but well-intentioned fella, send greetings over and over and over -- which she'd like to respond to but cannot. She's much too beautiful to cut through the white noise of online dating. She needs help. Your help. What's a generous guy with high standards to do?
Pay the bitch.
At WhatsYourPrice.com, dudes shell dates for cash. If it's enough cash, a lady will take his money and spend a chunk of time with him, but not have sex, because that's unwholesome.
The most intriguing part of WYP.com is the dating advice section toward the bottom. It teaches these newly-blossoming gentlemen how to appear like real humans so their ladydates feel "secure."
In WYP's recommended dating ideas, hiking is listed. The site's narrators understand that hiking might make women feel uncomfortable, due to the remote location, body dumping ease and lack of scream-hearing, so they follow-up the suggestion idea with this advice:
Be sure to choose a day when there will be lots of other hikers and reassure her of this upon invite. Putting a woman's need for security at the top of your dating priority list is key to success with women. Having other hikers around reduces awkwardness and will give you a chance to showcase how friendly and social you are by engaging others with simple greetings along the trail. "Hello, great day huh?" "Your dog is so cute." "what brand of hiking boots are those?"
So, reassure her that you're not going to kill her AND attempt to speak like a human? I dunno. Sounds hard, WYP. What other ideas do you have?
Put on funny accents. Go around town asking for directions to places that don't exist.
No, that won't scare a girl. Not at all. What else?
Pick a culture of the world, then imitate with food, activities, and clothes to match.
That's an amazing idea, WYP. I wish more strangers showed up at my door dressed like a gondolier, insisting to float me down the Trinity while wearing an adhesive pencilstache. Sounds fun. What else?
Go to the local animal shelter to play with the animals.
It's been my experience that an animal shelter is the saddest place in the universe, because the not-pets live in shit-stink cages and will be put to sleep soon if someone, anyone, doesn't adopt them very quickly. But if you think it sets a certain vibe-de-romance, I'll trust you. You're professionals. Any others?
If you're creative, make a movie together. Come up with a funny scenario and act it out.
Right. Because people who spend 7.4 seconds assessing the datablity of another human are going to just up and make a short with a stranger.
So, yes, this study is floating around the internet, telling the world that Dallas isn't a top contender for shallowness. Do not worry: Our superficiality is the stuff of legends and any city worth dating can see that. Here's the entire list of rankings:
The 10 Most Superficial Cities in America (According to Avg. Browsing Time) 1.) Salt Lake City, UT - 7.2 2.) Portland, OR - 7.7 Seconds 3.) Houston, TX - 8.3 Seconds 4.) Chicago, IL - 8.6 Seconds 5.) Washington, D.C. - 9.8 Seconds 6.) Los Angeles, CA - 10.4 Seconds 7.) Louisville, KY - 11.5 Seconds 8.) Miami, FL - 12.1 Seconds 9.) New York, NY - 13.2 Seconds 10.) Dallas, TX - 13.7 Seconds