How Portland, Oregon pulled second place (7.7 seconds) while Dallas trails eight spots behind is beyond me. We go to tanning beds IN THE SUMMER. Shallow is our turf. Step off, other metropolitan statistical areas.

To fully understand our low placement, it helps to look at the website that created it. WhatsYourPrice.com is classified as an "auction dating site," where beautiful women and men with money unite. But don't confuse it for an escort site; this sternly posed lady graphic makes the distinction quite clear.

Here's its pitch: A beautiful woman is buried under emails by potential suitors. You, the misunderstood but well-intentioned fella, send greetings over and over and over -- which she'd like to respond to but cannot. She's much too beautiful to cut through the white noise of online dating. She needs help. Your help. What's a generous guy with high standards to do?

Pay the bitch.

At WhatsYourPrice.com, dudes shell dates for cash. If it's enough cash, a lady will take his money and spend a chunk of time with him, but not have sex, because that's unwholesome.

The most intriguing part of WYP.com is the dating advice section toward the bottom. It teaches these newly-blossoming gentlemen how to appear like real humans so their ladydates feel "secure."

In WYP's recommended dating ideas, hiking is listed. The site's narrators understand that hiking might make women feel uncomfortable, due to the remote location, body dumping ease and lack of scream-hearing, so they follow-up the suggestion idea with this advice: