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Dear Dallas Parents: This Halloween, Try Not to Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker

In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

It's a known parent fact that if you want to be the best parent ever, you've gotta come correct on Halloween. It starts October 1, when you can feel the Mom Craft Energy hit Hobby Lobby straight in the hobby junk.

See also: Why Are We Dressing Our Adorable Kids Like Douchey Adults?

As I was scouring the Target aisles for the perfect costume for my kid, I realized that there's a theme for girls' costumes that seems to be developing popularity. Based on the costume selection available, every little girl either wants to be a princess or a hooker. In some cases, a princess hooker. Sure, there were Eeyore costumes and banana costumes for toddlers. But as you get into the 4T size range, everything takes a nonstop flight to hookertown.

Fairytale Hooker

In five years, you're all, "Why's she out so late at night all the time with strangers?" This is why.

Barbie Hooker

"Excuse me, do you have these pink furry high heels in a size 3?"

Hello Kitty Hooker

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To complete the look, buy an extra set of Daddy issues for $3.99! "Kandy Korn Tween"* Hooker Costume**

"Aww. My little 12-year-old's all hooker-ed up. Mama's so proud."

*Tween is a word that should make you want to barf blood. ** Kandy Korns are gross enough when they're not dressed like hookers. Opt out of the hooker Halloween for your kid, Parents. Instead, get your girls (any age from 0-18) this gnome costume and take thousands of pictures of them in it. They will hate you for it. Which means it's perfect.

This costume's great. It's easy, it covers your kid's whole dang body, and if you accidentally leave him in someone's yard overnight, people will think you did it as a funny joke.

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