Dick Butkus has played with the Chicago Bears; been in movies like Any Given Sunday and Necessary Roughness - he was even on an episode of Murder, She Wrote, but it wasn't always a brauts and champagne lifestyle for Butkus, in 1986 he hit a professional rough patch that could have ruined him entirely. He starred in one of the worst films ever made: a teen sex comedy called Hamburger... The Motion Picture, and if you don't believe anything could be terrible enough to exile Butkus from the collective love nest, then you should go watch it for free tonight at Texas Theatre.
Here's a little rundown of Hamburger so you'll know what to expect: Protagonist Russell must bathe in a vat of Sex Panther daily, because every hottie in town wants to rip her blouse open for him. It's gotten problematic. He's continually kicked out of college due to excessive fornication (huh?) and now he's left sitting on the couch of his parents' house, getting yelled at. His grandfather willed him some loot with the stipulation that he completes higher education. But the boobies!
Russell has some brains hiding beneath that helmet of game show host hair, so he forms a plan: Enroll in Buster Burger's 12-week "university" for prospective franchise owners. He'll get a diploma and I'm sure it's accredited, plus he looks 38 so it's a better fit for him than real college. Dick Butkus plays the evil Ham-U drill sergeant/educator, CPR is done on a giant pickle (she doesn't make it, but they are able to save her gherkin offspring), and a guy turns into a chicken. And there, in the middle of it all, is Butkus, acting his goddamn socks off.
Is it one of the worst movies ever made? Undeniably. That's why it's been lovely plucked out of the industrial cinematic garbage disposal for this week's installment of Tuesday Night Trash. You're going to need to knock back a few cocktails to watch this one, so there will be drink specials at the bar. Go ahead, get pickled.
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